The movie Bad Moms wasn’t a fine piece of cinema, but for anyone who has worn the badge of ‘mommy,’ the heart of it rang particularly true. And it’s nice, isn’t it, to hear that other women have the same mistakes, thoughts, bad days, and total f*ck ups that you do?
I think so. And that’s why these 10 confessions give me a laugh – and a warm fuzzy.
10. College ain’t got nothing on parenthood
“You have not experienced the real walk of shame until you have padded down the hallway of your pediatrician’s office and announced to the front office and the adjacent waiting room, ‘I dropped my baby and I think someone should check him out.'” – Maureen S.
9. Get your hops! Er, veggies.
“I grabbed what I thought was a V8 Fusion out of the fridge and put it in my son’s lunch bag. It turned out to be a Shock Top BEER… I thought he was getting his veggies – not so much.” – Jenna S.
8. If it’s good enough for the animals…
“When the twins were 2, we had one week where they ate our dog’s food, the babysitter’s cat’s food, and then I turned my back to get my camera out at a farm birthday party and they were both crunching down on goat food! That was just one week.” – Rebecca Benz
7. That moment when you realize you really can’t do everything
“I decided to try and save some money by cutting my son’s hair. This was that ‘uh-oh’ moment when I realized I got a little too carried away with the clippers. Let’s just say there aren’t too many ‘after’ photos.” – Amy Rowland
6. Sometimes you just need a little more room
“I didn’t plan this shopping trip very well! I either should have gotten rid of some things or gone another time when my husband was available to watch the baby. But I ran out of the room and started stacking things on top of him!” – Kim Baber
5. You know that feeling when you’re sure you forgot something? That.
“My dear friend Jessica asked a favor of me. An easy thing, really. Our children attend the same school. Jessica and I were meeting at the gym after school. Would I mind picking up her four children and meeting her at the gym?
Sure. Absolutely no problem. Anything for a friend.
I went to the school and I drove through the pickup line and I loaded up my children and I waved at her children and I drove to the gym. And as I was about to get my sweat on, my phone rings.
It was my friend Jessica. What ever could she want?” –Natalie Gwyn
4. Scarred for life
“A few weeks into potty training, I gave birth to my second child. My firstborn was in the routine of following me into the bathroom. What I didn’t take into account was that after you give birth, there is a lot of blood. I had been pregnant for as long as my daughter could remember, so she never experienced me having my period. Not that I would know how to explain that to a 2-year-old. Who came up with this ‘learning by example’ potty training? I blame being sleep-deprived for my lapse of judgment.
My sweet 2-year-old looked at me in horror. I had scarred her for life. Now, she believed she was bleeding every time she peed. Every. Single. Time.
‘Mommy, I’m bleeding!’ she could scream from the bathroom stall at the mall. ‘Bleeding!’ she hollered as she dribbled in her training pants at the grocery store. My daughter had a flair for the dramatic, and she was very loud. I would quietly try to hush her and explain for the hundredth time that it was just pee, as she cried, ‘there’s blood coming out of me.’
Horrified, people would stare as I tried to explain that we were potty training. Most people would shake their heads and walk away from me as my daughter continued shrieking about hemorrhaging as she sat in the shopping cart.” – Jennifer Swartvagher
3. That’s how she feels about that
“I was taking a picture of our daughter to announce she would be a big sister when she decided to dive off the bed. Luckily, her dad did catch her before she hit the ground.” – Sarah D.
2. I’m not sure that’s any less creepy…
“While searching on top of my dresser for their socks, BOTH kids found their baby teeth that the Tooth Fairy must have forgotten to take with her. In a desperate attempt to avoid a major traumatic event, I said that the teeth belonged to our dead cat and that I just couldn’t get rid of them.” – Sara Lindberg
1. Blowouts are “fowl,” for sure
“Almost immediately after taking the all-important first photo at Grandma’s house, the unexpected happened… I was holding Thomas when I heard the grunt and then felt the explosion. Somehow the poo hit his diaper with such force it shot up his back. A big brown, smelly stain was soaking through his shirt. In disbelief, I looked at my mom with desperation. Where was I going to bathe him? The sink was too small and the bathtub was too big for a 3-month old. We hadn’t had time to buy a baby bathtub yet. For goodness sake, we had just landed! The timing was impeccable.
Laughing hysterically, my mom rushed to the garage and emerged with a large turkey roasting pan. Oh my, we were about to bathe my precious baby boy in a pan reserved for holiday fowl. It was ‘foul’ all right. To keep him from slipping and sliding, I wrapped the pan in a bath towel and filled it with water. I could see the confusion on Thomas’ face. It’s like he was saying, ‘Seriously Mom, have you lost your mind?” – Betty Nguyen