If you’re a parent and your kid knows how to talk, then you’ve probably had the lovely experience of them repeating something you shouldn’t have said at an inopportune moment. And if your kid is still not talking, well…I promise this parenting milestone is on its way.
My personal favorite story is when my cousin’s son kept saying he needed to go to the bathroom, and since we were at the lake, his dad kept telling him to just go in the water. The kid said no but finally gave in…and my cousin turned around to see his 3-year-old with his pants down, butt hanging over the edge of the dock to poop.
Lesson: always ask whether it’s #1 or #2.
And you can probably learn a thing or two from these 12 parents, too.
#12. When your kid reads your mind.
“This just happenned a day ago. For reference, ive been recently calling people “turkeys” in the car when my son is there and i need to vent (son is three).
So im picking wife and son up from the beach since parking is expensive. As im trying to turn around on this public street, these two young hellions are on bikes riding too close to my car as im in reverse. I say, “these kids should be more careful or theyre gonna get hit one day.”
My son says without a beat, “yeah, they’re fucking turkeys.”
We were dying for a bit and told him not to say that word. Secretly i was proud he put that one together. It was exactly what i was thinking. Hes a chip off the old block.” – PeterVonNostrand
#11. Traffic is a killer.
“I was driving with my kids in the car and was almost hit by a driver making a very stupid maneuver. I responded by angrily saying “Oh, now look at this fucking guy.” My 3 year old son then continued to repeat that phrase for about a month, any time we were in traffic (Thankfully only in the presence of me). It was hard to correct with a straight face.” – PonyJetpack
#10. Parenting is making pee-soaked memories.
“One morning we awoke to find our 2 year old boy covered head to toe in urine because he had removed his diaper. So while bathing him, our 5 year old girl asked if she could take a bath too. It was a weekday and we were all running very late getting ready for work and trying to get the kids to school on time. We explained to her that there was no time and the only reason he was getting a bath was because he peed his bed. She then went to her room, laid down, peed herself and re-emerged in the bathroom to say “Can I have my bath now?”.
I absolutely lost my shit, laughing uncontrollably. Mom was not so amused. I made pancakes and we all played hooky. We’re separated now, and this is still my favorite memory of when things were good. Thanks for this post.” – BeenBearclawed
#9. Aren’t we all, kid…
“Walking through the capital building with my then four year old son when a man on crutches with one amputated leg got into the same elevator as us. My son said, in stage whisper, “Mom, what happened to his leg?”
The man heard him and kindly said that he lost his leg a year ago. My son didn’t miss a beat and said “Did you check between the couch cushions? My mom says she always loses shit in there.”
I was appalled. The man, on the other hand was laughing so hard he was crying.” – mainlyforshow
#8. The worst words he knew.
“My 4 year old had been raised with the fact that “booty” and “shut up” are bad words. One day he was mad at me, and called me a “booty shut up”.
Edit: “booty” in itself isn’t bad; calling someone a booty is.” – Tinferbrains
#7. I mean, she did listen.
“My sister once went up to a fat guy and told him that he was fat. My mom immediately scolded her for it.
The next time she saw an overweight guy, my mom realized that my sister misunderstood “you don’t tell them they’re fat” because she went up to him at the supermarket checkout and told him “you aren’t fat”.” – LWMcHaze
#6. Since she’s 4, it was probably an appropriate apology.
While watching TV, my 4 year old told us she was “super sorry for being a crazy bitch”. We explained the bad word, and told her she didn’t do anything wrong. Then we laughed about it.
We watch our language at home now. – Tinyasparagus
#5. The care and feeding of ants.
“I once caught my youngest son (about 3 at the time) peeing in the corner of his room…right next to the wastebasket and sort of behind a bookshelf. When I asked him why he was doing that when there was a bathroom 10 feet away, he said he was “watering the ants.”
Confused about what ants and why, I went over and peeked behind the bookshelf. And I found the ants. And the half donut he’d swiped and shoved back there. Along with various bits of candy, a slice of bread, and most of a chicken nugget. Apparently, he had seen an ant and decided to cultivate his own little ant farm in his room.
It was so absurd that I had a hard time holding it together while explaining to him that the ants would do just fine without feeding them and pissing on them.” – southernbelladonna
#4. I would have died.
“My very well fed dog decided on this particular day that all the food in the auto feeder was his. He would eat when he pleased and when he wasn’t hungry he would lay down next to it and protect it from being eaten by his sister.
My 3 year old goes up to him and says “get away from your food, you fatass!” I was dying. That is what I was thinking but not something I was going to say to him.” – wow_pretty_colors
#3. Throw Snoopy in the fire!
“When my 22 yo son was a little dude, the Uncanny X-men was our favorite cartoon. Burger King was putting X-men toys in their kids meals. We went through a drive-thru to get some, but he was too young and they gave him a Snoopy doll. His sister got Wolverine but he got Snoopy and he was piiiiiiiiiiiiiiissed. He hucked it out the window and yelled THROW SNOOPY IN THE FIRE. We all still say that sometimes when we’re mad. Flight delayed? Throw Snoopy in the fire. Drop the maple syrup? Throw Snoopy in the fire. Find a scratch on the car? Throw Snoopy in the fire. Great mood leveler.” – someoldbroad
#2. The truth hurts.
“For parent-teacher conferences one year, we had to make a four-square about our parents and share it with them. One of the instructions was that we had to describe three things that they do. I wrote about my father:
“Dad. Drives a Jeep. Drinks beer. Yells a lot.” – HaricotsDelLiam
#1. I mean it is Boston.
“My boss has Red Sox season tickets. She gave me a pair so I could bring my then 10 year old son. We ended up on the “dance cam” on the big screen and my sweet baby boy decided to flip Fenway Park the bird.” – iluvablondemexican