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14 of the Weirdest Things That Happen to Your Body Postpartum

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With your first baby, there are so many questions you don’t know to ask. With your second (or third or fourth, if you’re braver than me), there are so many things you’ve forgotten (or blocked out).

Basically, no matter where you’re at in the baby-having process, this post about the weird things that happen to your body after baby could be of use.

#14. Sex is going to be daunting, post-baby.

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Nothing feels quite right, or quite the same down there. Also, your boobs look soooooooooo sexy but they are not. Here’s hoping your partner gets that all-important truth.

#13. Dry hands.

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Keep some serious lotion on hand because you won’t be able to remember the last time you washed your hands this often.

#12. You’ll need to hold a funeral for your boobs, eventually.

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They were huge and painful. Now they’re empty sacks that hang down to your new, too-big belly button.

#11. The dark circles under your eyes from sleep deprivation.

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The good news is that you won’t care.

#10. Getting used to your new body.

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Actually, you might want to wait on that, since it’s not really yours for a few more years.

#9. Your laundry will double, not only because of baby, but because of you.

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There are smells, also your boobs will leak. And leak and leak and leak. And just when they’ve stopped leaking, your baby gets to an age where they’re curious about everything and pull off to look around just as your milk comes down and goes – you guessed it – all over your shirt.

#8. Your tummy might not get the message that you’re not pregnant right away.

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Or for awhile, honestly. Feel free to flip anyone the bird if and when they act differently.

#7. That lustrous pregnancy hair is no more.

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It’s in your shower drain. In a clump, just like your dignity.

#6. But honestly, it doesn’t matter because you will not have time to wash or style it anyway.

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Showers are short and sweet, and that goes double or triple if this isn’t your first rodeo with a newborn.

#5. Stretch marks.

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If you’re lucky enough to escape them once, no promises the second time around. Boo.

#4. There will be scars, stitches, and blood.

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The scars and stitches will depend on what sort of birth experience you had, but the blood can’t be stopped. You might want to just invest in Depends and call it a day.

#3. Your period might stay away for a while.

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After the bleeding at the front end, of course, and breastfeeding prolongs the bliss. That said, you have no idea when it will return and oh yeah, you can still get pregnant before then, so careful there.

#2. Odd new moles and/or skin tags.

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Go ahead and plan a trip to the dermatologist now – I grew one in my crack, so that was fun. You know which one I mean.

#1. Night sweats.

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You know how your feet and legs and…everything swelled up at the end of your pregnancy? That water has to go somewhere, my friends.

Snuggle those babies, y’all – it’s your payment for all the rest of it.