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15 Adults Share Their Parents’ Awkward Attempts At Explaining Sex

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When it comes to the most awkward conversations a human being can have, the sex talk is up there at the top–for both the parent and the child. Even if you’re the most conscientious parent in the world, and you’ve read every book on the subject, the conversation itself is going to make everyone want to jump out of their skin.

Still, as awkward as The Talk might be, it’s still much preferable to no talk at all, or a talk that omits useful information. When you check out these 15 birds and the bees horror stories, shared by Buzzfeed readers, one thing becomes clear: an hour’s worth of awkwardness beats years and years of confusion.

1. The Live Demonstration

“I walked in on my parents having sex, and that’s when I had to sit through a painfully awkward lecture about what happens when a man and a woman love each other very much.”

 

2. From The Cabbage Patch

“My parents never explained it to me or my sister. We just assumed we came from cabbage patches, like a Cabbage Patch Doll. Over time, we figured that wasn’t the case.”

3. Pucker Up

“I never had any kind of conversation with my parents. I used to think sperm went through people’s mouths when they were kissing, and that’s how babies were made. My friend ended up telling me the truth when we were nine.”

 

4. The Information Age

“My parents emailed me. Yeah.”

5. Alien

“I remember asking where babies came from when I was four and my mom said, ‘The stomach.’ I thought that was the worst thing I had ever heard because I really thought she meant the baby would just burst out of the stomach.”

6. Green Thumb

“When I was in third grade, my mom used an awful garden metaphor. She told me my body was a ‘beautiful garden’ and a man’s semen was a ‘seed’ that is planted in my garden. It was all fine until she decided to explain how the seed gets ‘planted’ in graphic detail. I still can’t think of gardening without cringing in horror.”

7. An Educational Kidnapping

“I had been strategically dodging ~the talk~. My mom ended up creating a fake trip, locked me in the car, and gave me the talk while she drove around so I couldn’t escape.”

8. The Ovaries Are At Ten And Two…

“My mother locked me in the car and explained the female anatomy using the steering wheel. I had very conflicting feelings about steering wheels for a long time after that.”

9. The Prodigy

“My parents gave me a book on human anatomy and sexuality. When I was in third grade, we started learning our multiplication tables. We were told to go around the classroom and name pairs of things. I proceeded to list out every anatomical pair we have in our bodies: eyes, ears, testicles, ovaries, fallopian tubes, kidneys, etc. My teacher was horrified and I was sent to the principal’s office.”

10. Scare Tactic

“My parents never had that conversation with me. Every time I vaguely mentioned the subject, my mom would turn to me and say in this really deep voice, ‘Do you really want to know? Really? Because I can tell you.’ It sounded so horrifying that I always said no. I just trusted my school and the internet to teach me.”

11. Coming Attraction

“When I was eight, my mom sat me down and said, ‘When a man and a woman like each other, they go to the movies together and get to know each other.’ She went on to explain sex, but I got stuck on the movies part. I thought that going to the movies with a guy meant you had to have sex with him. When a boy asked me out in sixth grade, I freaked out!”

12. Doggie Style

“My grandmother started off with, ‘You ever seen two dogs stuck together,’ and then proceeded to tell me how that happened.”

13. Let Tumblr Handle It

“My parents never explained sex or sexual orientation to me. I had to figure it out like most sheltered children do: fanfiction sex.”

14. When A DWV Plain End Loves A 2″ All Hub Sanitary Tee

“My dad took me to Home Depot. We went to the plumbing aisle and he got some coupling and a piece of PVC pipe. Explanation accomplished.”

15. Maybe Grandpa Doesn’t Know, Either

“My grandfather told me, ‘The birds bite, the bees sting, and that’s all you need to know.'”

 

 

h/t: Buzzfeed