This was a tough list to put together. For one, parenting creates some seriously hilarious situations. For another, the short form comedy inherent to Twitter’s 140 characters makes those hilarious situations play even better.
But, for y’all, I tried. And here we go.
#15. When you wonder how they could both have the same combination of genetic material.
#14. Never assume.
My 2-year-old handed me a candy bar.
I hugged her for finally learning how to share.
Turns out she just wanted me to open it.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) November 8, 2016
#13. And they know it.
I don’t care how cute your kid is. When you wake up in the middle of the night and see them standing next to your bed, they are terrifying.
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) August 1, 2016
#12. We all need to watch out for this kid.
My 11yo wrote me an apology for misbehaving in the car that included “I love you so much but sometimes forget to care about your existence.”
— Amanda M-W (@Manda_like_wine) April 27, 2016
#11. Practical applications are important for motivation. Right?
I lead the after-school drama club at my kid’s school. A 1st gr said, “Can you teach me how to act like I’m listening when my dad talks?”
— Danielle Herzog (@martinisandmini) February 1, 2016
#10. When raising teens, remember who has the real power.
#9. I mean. She’s probably not that far off.
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
— Tim (@Playing_Dad) January 3, 2016
#8. It happens to the best of us, kid.
Me to my son: You remind me of me.
Son: That’s just mean.
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) August 16, 2016
#7. Turnabout is fair play.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 10, 2016
#6. I see law school in this kid’s future.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
— Mike Reynolds (@EverydayGirlDad) June 20, 2016
#5. You gotta find a way to get him back for that one.
#4. *mic drop*
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
— Moe (@_Mo_lee_) January 8, 2016
#3. They are very specially adapted.
Kids’ ears are amazing. It takes 7 times to hear “Pick up that toy” yet they can hear a bag of chips open at 50 yards.
— Beau Coffron (@lunchboxdad) May 30, 2016
#2. It’s probably the best reason out there.
I tell my kids that it’s important to learn pointless algebra because someday they may have to help their kids learn pointless algebra.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) July 28, 2016
#1. This guy is raising his daughters right. So. Right.
h/t: Bored Panda