We’ve all been in this situation: buying a gift for a friend with very specific tastes. It might seem like a layup of a gift, but actually it’s fraught with peril. Let’s say your friend is a goth. (Because that’s what this article is about.) Sure, you could play it safe and get a generic gift, like a Starbucks gift card, but then you’ll risk underwhelming them. On the other hand, you could try to get them something you think they would want, like a 5 gallon drum of black nail polish, only to find out they don’t use nail polish, but rather the dried blood from road kill.
So, what’s a friend of a goth to do? Check out this list of gifts for the morbid at heart, of course! Maybe these are perfect for that one friend who fills composition notebooks with poetry about storm clouds and sad vampires. Or maybe they’re perfect for you!
1. A PyroPet Candle
This polygonal cat candle starts off cute. Then you light it, and it transforms into a demon skeleton. Perfect for cat lovers AND cat haters alike!
2. A seance wallet
Nothing is more awkward than conducting a seance only to summon the wrong ghost. If your friend conducts so many seances she can’t keep ’em straight, she needs a seance wallet.
3. A water bottle…with a healing crystal.
Per the item’s product description, these crystal water bottles promote “positivity and purification” in your daily routine. As we all know, raw crystals are blessed with “energizing, all natural effects” that “support revitalization and clarification of the mind and body.” So you know it’s scientific.
A crystal water bottle is a gift both for your friend and the general public. Having this bottle is another way of saying, “I am easily parted from my money.”
4. This delightful bird
What if storks stole babies instead of delivering them? I think we have our answer!
5. A coffin cell phone case
The only appropriate way to commemorate that time you tried to order a pizza with only 1% battery remaining.
6. An adult coloring book about serial killers
Also includes a fun Zodiac Killer word scramble that cannot be solved.
7. A box of animal skulls from Skulls Unlimited
Say you’ve got a goth friend who felt left of the Beanie Baby craze. Well here’s the next best thing: collectible animal skulls. If you sigh up for a subscription with Skulls Unlimited, you’ll get a new skull from a surprise animal each and every month. What did you get this month? A turkey skull? Maybe an elusive chinchilla? You won’t rest until your collection is complete.
And just like Beanie Babies, these aren’t worth anything either.
8. Eyeball orbs, set of eight
This one is also a great gift for everyone, not just your goth friend. A set of eyeball orbs will help your death-obsessed friend to spruce up their apartment, and a great way for visitors to instantly know exactly who they’re dealing with.
9. Rainy day sunglasses
Look, sometimes everyone at your grandparents’ 50th wedding anniversary needs to be reminded of the pointlessness of human existence. You’re just unafraid to speak the truth.
10. Box set of Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark
Ah, these books are a classic of the genre I call “Children’s literature that should never be given to children.” I still have nightmares about the girl with the green ribbon.