When people decide to combine their lives, it’s always going to lead to friction. Because these are two completely separate individuals. Each person has their own quirks, beliefs, opinions, tastes, values, habits, and needs. No matter how compatible two people are, there are still dozens of things that could potentially divide them.
When you add up all these differences, marriage almost shouldn’t work. But that’s how powerful love is–it inspires us to work through it, whatever “it” is. Working through it isn’t easy, but one thing that makes it easier is having a sense of humor. In that spirit, here are 15 Tweets from people who are somehow, some way, making it work. (via Bored Panda)
1. A spouse is a firsthand witness to your endless stupidity.
me: Have you seen my keys?
wife: No. Did you check your pocket?
wife: Both of them?
me [mocking] “Both of them?”
me *finds keys* No
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) January 8, 2019
2. You can either be cool or married, not both.
We put new shelves in the garage and have talked for 3 days about what a game changer they are. This is peak marriage.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 22, 2019
3. Ohhhh. So that’s what “green” means.
Before marriage, I would sit at stop lights for hours because I had no one to tell me the light had changed to green.
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) February 8, 2019
4. You no longer have individual brains, just one shared brain.
Being a husband means that sometimes you are required to answer questions like, “What’s the name of the guy from the place who does the thing?”
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) June 30, 2018
5. The sports fan and the non-sports fan.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
— JPo (@Peauxtassium) September 9, 2018
6. Your deal breakers are your deal breakers.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
— smerobin (@smerobin) March 12, 2019
7. Same for me, but with my iPhone.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
— Cameron Esposito (@cameronesposito) February 7, 2018
8. Kids < Lumber
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
— bubble girl (@JessObsess) June 20, 2017
9. But what if our guests want to see where we keep the Christmas tree in April?!
I appreciate my husband cleaning before we have guests coming over but he always cleans the weirdest shit. Our kitchen will look like a tornado blew through but instead of putting shit away this dude will be up in the attic scrubbing the walls like “iT hAs To Be CLeAn eMiLy”
— motherducker (@houseandhens) February 3, 2019
10. Every day is a new defeat.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
— *sigh*clops (@DadZZZasleep) April 16, 2019
11. Sex isn’t quite so sexy.
Married sex is like traveling. It takes planning, the conditions need to be right, and everyone has to pee before getting started.
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) April 13, 2019
12. Netflix and Zzzzzzzzzz
Instead of my husband asking me what I want to watch, he asks me what I want to fall asleep to & that pretty much sums up a marriage.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) January 27, 2019
13. A spouse is your own personal wardrobe consultant.
Wife: is that what you’re wearing?
Me: I guess not.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 3, 2019
14. Starvation is always possible.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) February 25, 2019
15. Happy anniversary!
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) January 26, 2019