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15 Products For Those Parents Who Just Don’t Care What Others Think

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Let’s all make some generalizations about new parents, shall we? They’re usually VERY concerned about their ability to raise a baby into a functioning adult. They feel like they have NO idea what they’re doing. And quite often, they’re sleep deprived. Put all that together, and it’s no surprise that companies market all kinds of strange products at them.

1. Champagne Flute Baby Bottle

Photo Credit: Good To Know

Ugh, so tacky! I would never give a kid a sippy champagne flute without also giving them a tin of Baby Caviar.

2. Baby dumbbells

Photo Credit: Little Things

Now your baby has no excuse not to have a six pack.

3. A baby doll you can breastfeed

Photo Credit: Buzzfeed

You know what? Just look at the product instructions:

Photo Credit: Buzzfeed

Hopefully The Breast Milk Baby also comes with one of those Men In Black mind eraser things, so she can forget any of this ever happened.

4. The Poop Alarm

Photo Credit: Good To Know

Pop quiz: of our five senses, which one is the most useful for detecting when a kid has made a mess in their diaper? Hearing, obviously.

5. The Baby Keeper

Photo Credit: Buzzfeed

Granted, as someone who does not have children, I’ve never experienced the frustration of trying to do my business while a kid rampages around the bathroom stall. But still, it seems odd to treat a human child the same way you’d treat a windbreaker.

6. Penguin Urinal

Photo Credit: Buzzfeed

Encouraging little boys to pee into a plastic penguin isn’t even the weirdest thing about this one. No, the weirdest thing is the back of the box, where the makers encourage parents to place Penguin Urinal anywhere in the house. Look at all their suggested locations for a free-range peein’ experience:

Photo Credit: Buzzfeed

The only location they left off the list is “Child Services Office.”

7. Sperm Earrings

Photo Credit: Buzzfeed

Ladies! Wearing these is a great way to let your man know that you’re expecting, or that he has a perilously low sperm count.

8. Baby Straight Jacket

Photo Credit: Buzzfeed

It makes sense to put your baby in a straight jacket while you’re trying to change him. What if he gets hold of a switchblade and tries to steal a car?

9. Grillz Pacifier

Photo Credit: Little Things

See if some other kid tries to steal your toys NOW.

10. The Snot Sucker

Photo Credit: Little Things

This picture should be hanging in every drug store, right above the condoms.