Let’s all make some generalizations about new parents, shall we? They’re usually VERY concerned about their ability to raise a baby into a functioning adult. They feel like they have NO idea what they’re doing. And quite often, they’re sleep deprived. Put all that together, and it’s no surprise that companies market all kinds of strange products at them.
1. Champagne Flute Baby Bottle
Ugh, so tacky! I would never give a kid a sippy champagne flute without also giving them a tin of Baby Caviar.
2. Baby dumbbells
Now your baby has no excuse not to have a six pack.
3. A baby doll you can breastfeed
You know what? Just look at the product instructions:
Hopefully The Breast Milk Baby also comes with one of those Men In Black mind eraser things, so she can forget any of this ever happened.
4. The Poop Alarm
Pop quiz: of our five senses, which one is the most useful for detecting when a kid has made a mess in their diaper? Hearing, obviously.
5. The Baby Keeper
Granted, as someone who does not have children, I’ve never experienced the frustration of trying to do my business while a kid rampages around the bathroom stall. But still, it seems odd to treat a human child the same way you’d treat a windbreaker.
6. Penguin Urinal
Encouraging little boys to pee into a plastic penguin isn’t even the weirdest thing about this one. No, the weirdest thing is the back of the box, where the makers encourage parents to place Penguin Urinal anywhere in the house. Look at all their suggested locations for a free-range peein’ experience:
The only location they left off the list is “Child Services Office.”
7. Sperm Earrings
Ladies! Wearing these is a great way to let your man know that you’re expecting, or that he has a perilously low sperm count.
8. Baby Straight Jacket
It makes sense to put your baby in a straight jacket while you’re trying to change him. What if he gets hold of a switchblade and tries to steal a car?
9. Grillz Pacifier
See if some other kid tries to steal your toys NOW.
10. The Snot Sucker
This picture should be hanging in every drug store, right above the condoms.
11. Baby Mop
Finally! These freeloaders have been living inside your womb for nine months, RENT FREE. About time someone put them to work.
12. An inflatable swimming pool, with an inflatable neck ring.
It has hearts on it, so you know it’s safe! You could probably leave your baby in this thing for a whole weekend and it’d be fine.
13. The “Why Cry” crying analyzer
Where’s the light that says, “I’m crying because my parent is a complete sucker”?
14. The iPotty
I would make fun of this, but honestly, who among us doesn’t use their device on the toilet. Babies actually have us beat because iPotty is hands-free. When does the adult version come out?
15. A teddy bear made from your own placenta
You should really use your own placenta for this, and not someone else’s. Calling “dibs” on the placenta is a great way to bring a baby shower to a screeching halt.