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28 Comments from Grandparents to Keep You Laughing

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Grandparents rock! They tell stories from the “good ole days” and give awesome fashion advice. Take a gander at these Reddit users and the hilarious things they learned or heard from their older loved ones.

1. I don’t get it

My dad calls dubstep “The Devil’s Dialup Tone” or just “The Garbage Disposal.” He’s had a couple more, but he uses those a lot.

Also, whenever he has to go to the bathroom, he says, “I have to poop like a park ranger.” I still don’t get it.

2. Just go!

I take my grandma out to run her errands and get her out of the house for a while. One day we were in a rush to get somewhere, we came to an intersection and the light turned red right before we got there. She looks at me and says “run it, just go.” Being the good grandson I am, I do so. As we pass, she waves to the oncoming cars and says “toodle-loo!”

3. Lol, tree donkeys

My grandfather used to hide behind the BBQ on his patio and shoot squirrels with a super-soaker when they would try to loot the bird feeder. He would yell “Not today tree donkeys” then come back in the kitchen chuckling to himself. I miss that goofy man.

4. Straight up

Maybe not the funniest thing he’s said, but my 93 year old grandfather when he had his picture taken: “I wish I had a camera. I’d take a picture of myself every day because I’m so damn handsome.”

5. Miscommunication

My grandparents told me this story one time. It was their “coming of age” when they realized they’re two old people now.

Grandpa is trying to get past my grandmother who is loading pre made pies into the freezer. Grandpa says, “Can I get by?”

Grandma grabs her pies and says, “What kind?”

Grandpa checks his watch and says, “Quarter after three”.

Both said they didn’t even realize it until ten minutes later, when my grandpa called my grandma old.

6. Tattoo=Jerk

I’m an EMT, we were taking a 90-something year old man to the ER, and as I was putting the cuff on his arm to get a blood pressure, he sees my tattoo on the inside of my forearm and asks “is that a tattoo?” I say “yes it is, sir” he looks me in the eye and says “well then, that makes you a jerk!” and didn’t say another word to me. I wasn’t even mad, it was too funny.

7. I like big butts and I cannot lie

My grandfather explaining the story of how he met my grandma: “I saw her walking down the street with her friends and picked out the greatest butt.” Short and sweet.

8. Glad we cleared that up

We were visiting an old lady that my mom knew, in a nursing home. She shared her room with someone else, a frail lady of around 80 who I’d never actually seen out of that bed.

One day while we’re visiting I’m bored and keep glancing over at the roommate who (like always) appeared to be sleeping. Suddenly her head tilts towards me and I hear her say, in a raspy voice…

“Make those doe eyes all you want, I’m not gonna have sex with you.”

9. All of them

Working at a hospital, I ran across an elderly man who was a bit demented in the lobby. He came up to me, put both his hands on my shoulders, stared into my eyes, and said with the utmost seriousness, “Everything has a reason. Even jelly beans.” He was promptly taken back to his seat by his caretakers. I’m pretty sure that man knows all the mysteries to the universe.

10. Too true

There was a customer at the Starbucks I worked at, who was 60+, really nice, but liked to talk a lot.

One day she flat out said “Old folks like me just say whatever the they want, we’re old and just don’t give a crap.”

I commenced to laugh my butt off for 5 minutes in the drive through.

11. Ha!

I was with my grandma, who was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, at her nursing home during a Easter party a couple weeks ago. One nurse was dressed as the Easter bunny and began talking to my grandma, trying to get her engaged in the party. I watched her slowly emerge from her mental haze, look the lady up and down and say, “Did no one tell you that’s it’s not Halloween?”

12. Dinner plans

Well, I thought this was really sweet and funny.

I volunteered in a Hospice ward for a couple of months and a patient named Tony was moved onto our ward, so I was introduced to him. It was a little hard for him to speak, but he said, “So… how’d you like to go out to dinner tomorrow night?” And then he started singing “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” by the Four Seasons and was overjoyed when I sang along with him word-for-word.

When I came in the next day I went to his room, but there was another patient in there. Turned out he died peacefully in his sleep that night.

13. Many different uses

While waiting with an elderly patient (82) who I had just transported to the ED, another ambulance crew brought in a young woman with a cell phone stuck in her vagina. My patient said “Can you believe technology? In my day, that never would have happened. Probably because the phone was too big. Of course, we did use vegetables.”

I had no idea how to respond to that. It was quite awkward.

14. Milk me

An old woman that comes to my family’s restaurant is absolutely bonkers. A group of waitresses and I were in the back talking about how it’s hard to find shirts that fit because of breast size, and she walks up and says loudly,”YOU GIRLS NEED TO BE MILKED. You could save it and sell it online! I learned that on the T.V.!” None of us are pregnant, or look pregnant.

15. Wake up!

Ah, my grandmother. While we were on our way to getting her hair done, she was fuming in the passenger seat. When I asked her what was wrong, she said “I’m sick and tired of people falling asleep in the chairs in the lobby.” (She lived in a nicer assisted living home.) So I pried some more and she kept going with, “they fall asleep with their mouths hanging open and drool coming out and they look so ridiculous. Why can’t they walk down the hall to their room? I walked up to one of them before leaving and yelled ‘WAKE UP’ at him.”

I miss my Grams.

16. Metallica to brighten your day

In a similar vein, when I worked in a hospice I showed up one day in a Brazilian version of the Metallica “One” T-Shirt, with the mummified Pushead baby on it. One of the elderly patients remarked, “Oh, I just LOVE your jumper, dear! Such lovely colours! You always wear the most gorgeous colourful clothes – they really brighten up my day!”

17. Advice

My grandmother loves to give me relationship advice. Her favorite is “men can eat everything, but they don’t have to know everything.” Also: “Always keep money on the side. You never know.” She’s in her 80s now, so she comes from a generation when marriage and kids where what you did. Now she always says to me:”Don’t get married. At least not too soon. And nobody needs kids to be happy.” I think she’s right, but it’s also adorable because she is married for 60 years or so and my grandparents truly love each other. Although now she says:”Nah, with over 80 there’s no being in love. We just get along and don’t care to get mad at each other.”

I love my grandparents.

18. Ancient ways

I was creating an account on some website back in the early 2000s for my Grandfather. I was reading off all the questions to him and he would tell me what to type in. We get to a question asking “what is the best way of contacting you?”, to which he replies keeping a straight face, “Smoke signal.” I promptly fell onto the floor.

probably one of those things where you had to be there, but coming from an 85 year old WWII vet was something completely unexpected.

19. Awkward

I am a health care worker, so I get to hear a lot of funny stuff. The one that sticks out right now is when I helped a 60-ish year old man get to bed. I took his power wheelchair and plugged it in, he laid there thinking for a second and said, “how would you like if I plugged you in?”

Or giving an 85 year old man a bath and washing his genitals. He says “I had an ex girlfriend that used to do that. Her name was Tess, Tess Tickles.”

20. Speed demon

My 78 year old grandma upon getting a speeding ticket for going 35 over “I told the officer ‘There wasn’t anyone else on the road!!!!’ and he still gave me a ticket!”

My mom loves to tell the story about a time when she asked Grandma how fast a train was going and she replied “Lets find out!”

21. Hair fetish

Whilst on a huge cocktail of medication in hospital, my grandma told us that the hospital was a set, and everybody there (doctors, nurses, cleaners, visitors, and even us) were actors. She also got a huge crush on a male nurse because he had dreadlocks, and kept saying “Ooh, I do like his hair.”

22. Telepathy

My grandfather claimed that the reason we could never find bigfoot as because bigfoot had telepathy and always new we were looking for him. Also he said crickets had telepathy.

23. Two Thumbs

My elderly and very cajun aunt once gave me two thumbs up… She is standing there with a grin on her face… I look at her almost afraid to ask… but I do… and she says “what has two thumbs and likes oral sex?” I reply ” I don’t know!?” She tilts her thumbs towards herself and says “I do!” That was the first time I got to hear one of “those jokes” without being sent out of the room! It was hilarious! She was my favorite Aunt!

24. Diet Coke

I worked in a grocery store. An old lady came up to me and asked me where the Diet Coke was. As I walked her to it she told me her grandson was making her start to drink Diet Coke versus the regular kind because of how bad the sugar was for her teeth. She was sweet and funny about it, putting me at my ease. She went on to say that her doctor had made her quit drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes. To that I responded with the first bit of a rhyme my father taught me. The whole rhyme is “I don’t drink and I don’t chew and I don’t kiss the girls that do.” I said to her: “You don’t drink and you don’t chew …” She must have misheard me because, she replied, “That’s right! I don’t screw anymore either! I’m getting too old for everything.”

25. Style updates

My fiance and I were headed to a friends wedding and he had his converse sneakers on with his suit. My 80 year old grandmother asked if he was going to change his shoes. He replied “No grandma, thats the style now-a-days.” To which she replied “Well nobody told me!” Clearly the Today show and Game Show Network are failing her on fashion updates.

26. Hip lingo

My grandma is a goldmine for amusing (and oddly sweet) utterances.

After asking someone to remove some old newspapers and things from the trunk of her car: “I don’t like too much junk in the trunk!”

Upon giving my sister a huge necklace for her birthday: “I thought you could use some bling!”

27. Axl is Sexy

When I was in high school I worked at a Quizno’s with my best friend, and on most weekday afternoons he and I were the only staff in the restaurant. One evening a van arrived with several elderly people from a retirement center and a couple of staff/nurses to assist them.

One member of this party was an adorable lady who must have been in her 90’s. She came up to the ordering station, and I asked her what I could make for her. She responds in the cutest little old lady voice, “Young man, what’s your favorite rock group?”

“Uh, I’m not sure… Can I make you a sandwich?”

“What’s your favorite rock group?”

“I guess Tool, though I can understand if it’s not appealing to everyone.”

“What about Guns n Roses??”

“They’re pretty good too.”

“I like Guns n Roses! Axl is sexy.”

One of the nurses then helps her decide what to order. She steps down the line to pay, and my buddy at the cashier gets the same questions followed by her gushing about Guns n Roses and how sexy Axl is.

28. Timber!

I was hanging out at my girlfriend’s cottage one summer with her, her sisters, her parents, and her elderly grandpa. My girlfriend’s grandpa “Cooper” (awesome old man name ever!) must have been 90 something at the time and pretty elderly (sweaters in summer, falls sleep anywhere, difficult to understand).

One day he decided he was going to chop down a tree. I have no idea why he wanted to do it… the tree wasn’t in the way of anything, just a tree over by the edge of the lawn when it turns into forest. Like I said, Cooper was 90 some years old so chopping down a tree was going to be a difficult task. Girlfriend’s parents tried to convince him to do otherwise but he pulled the “You came from my penis, you don’t tell me what to do” card.

So he goes out in the morning, takes about 10 blows at the tree. Then he heads to his hammock nearby, lays down and takes nap. An hour later he wakes up, takes another 10 at the tree, heads back to his hammock, naps. This proceeds the entire day… from about 9am to 6pm.

When he delivered the finishing blow to the tree he yelled “TIMBER!” with the biggest grin on his face. Never seen an old man so happy. Coolest old dude I’ve ever met.

He passed away a year later. He was a farmer his whole life… I think chopping down the tree was him proving to himself that he was still physically capable despite his age and conditions.