When you think about it, marriage really shouldn’t work at all. Two completely different people deciding to join their lives, all on the basis of stuff like “attraction” and “compatibility”? Ludicrous. It’s no surprise, then, that marriage is such a ripe source of comedy, and today we’ve got 15 of the funniest marriage tweets from this past year.
1. At least there’s someone to witness your stupidity.
wife [on phone] Did you preheat the oven like I asked?
wife: What temperature?
wife: That’s the clock
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) April 16, 2017
2. A battle of wills.
Establish dominance in your household by staring at your husband while you unplug his phone from the charger and plug in your own.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) November 23, 2017
3. Keeping up appearances.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
— The Cre Master (@Jmboyd58) April 5, 2017
4. Security system.
I love my husband, but no matter where we are I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens he gets murdered first.
— Jessica Valenti (@JessicaValenti) July 14, 2017
5. Marriage material.
“You see, when a man loves a woman very, very much, he makes her coffee,” I explain to my kids while looking at my husband.
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) February 17, 2017
6. The one true personality test.
Don’t marry someone before you see them step on a Lego.
— Jay (@theshamingofjay) May 9, 2017
7. Sometimes, the best couple’s activity is avoiding other activities altogether.
Me: We got invited to two parties this weekend.
Wife: Wow. We finally have friends.
Me: We’re skipping both, right?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 20, 2017
8. The curiously multiplying pillows.
I’m secretly doing an investigation on how many decorative pillows I can put around the house till husband loses his shit.
— mama77⚽️ (@deegeemindi) April 13, 2017
9. Definitely reasonable.
Still waiting for my husband to apologize for what he did in my dream last night.
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) January 28, 2017
10. When it’s too early in the day for romance.
Marry your true love so you can always wake up together and say, “Breathe the other way”.
— Walking Outside With Scrooge (@WalkingOutside) April 20, 2017
11. A dijon emergency.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
— brent (@murrman5) October 24, 2017
12. A one-night vacation.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
— Lady Lawya ? (@Parkerlawyer) October 15, 2017
13. It comes from a place of love.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 23, 2017
14. The exhaustion-off.
Tell me how tired you are so I can upstage you and tell you how much more tired I am.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) September 2, 2017
15. You’re on your own.
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
911: Good luck
* Click *
— Twin Dad (@TwinSurvivalist) January 3, 2017
h/t: Huffington Post