Who would have thought a comedian would write funny Tweets? All of us? Still, while Andy Richter has been entertaining us as Conan O’Brien’s sidekick for decade, but he’s just as hilarious when it comes to Tweeting about his misadventures in fatherhood. Inspired by his two children, 17-year-old William and 12-year-old Mercy, Richter’s observations will hit home for parents who like their comedy with a heaping helping of honesty. WARNING: if you’re not the sort of person who’s down with swearing, this article might not be for you. Enjoy!
1. What the parenting books don’t tell you.
I know that as parent you’re supposed to listen to your kids but most of what they say is such horseshit
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) October 22, 2013
2. Sometimes, you gotta outsource.
Playing team sports is a great way for kids to experience getting yelled at outside of the home
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) October 10, 2015
3. We all know who’s really in charge.
Cashier, when I said no to my kid re: candy: “I’m bad at telling my kid no”
My daughter:”I ask for so much stuff he’s gotta say no sometime”
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) March 12, 2017
4. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
Sometimes get impatient w my kids’ forgetfulness & then I recall I was in my 30s when I figured out I should get a towel b4 I get in shower
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) May 12, 2017
5. On the information age.
Netflix is an absolute bonanza of incredibly shitty knock-off CG-animation children’s movies & my daughter has found every one
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) July 16, 2014
6. Makeup Tutorial
bored daughter, beaten dad pic.twitter.com/YFIVPLhYFV
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) August 3, 2013
7. Stay true to yourself.
Look, just because I have kids doesn’t mean I’ll compromise my belief that erotic birthday cakes simply taste better
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) June 1, 2014
8. Respect the game.
My wife is an excellent mother, & I try to be the best father I can be because fuck her she’s not going to beat me at this
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) November 11, 2014
9. Everyday Amnesia
Asking my children to go get something for me is basically asking them to go to another room and forget why they are there
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) April 22, 2015
10. The nightmare that is teenage boys.
At my son’s school & walked past grp of high school boys & it was like having an Old Spice deodorant stick smeared on my upper lip
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) September 21, 2015
11. Do you have what it takes?
If you’re wondering if you’re cut out for parenthood, you need to ask yourself “am I ready to have all my shit fucked with forever?”
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) July 1, 2017
12. Dad Nauseum
“Dad. Dad. Dad. Dad. Dad. Dad.” – from upstairs, my son the hint-taker
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) September 24, 2013
13. Being a parent WILL test your endurance.
“Dad, teamwork never quits!” – my idiot 7yo daughter when I wanted to stop building her stupid puzzle
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) August 13, 2013
14. Eureka Moment
A parenting discovery I made that I still haven’t completely wrapped my head around is that you really don’t have to be a dick all the time
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) December 24, 2012
15. And finally, one piece of advice everyone should hear.
ADVICE FOR NEW FATHERS: Nobody likes raising kids, so just shut up and pitch in.
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) March 1, 2014
h/t: Huffington Post