When I was pregnant, my husband was adamant that he wouldn’t look during our son’s birth. He said there were some things he “couldn’t unsee” and that he and our marriage would be better off if he just stayed up by my head and held my hand.
Fast forward to the end of labor, in all of its puking, pushing, sweating glory. He’s staring at our son being born like it’s some kind of car wreck he can’t look away from. He touches the baby’s emerging head. He cuts the cord.
He’s never said he regrets it, but also, things haven’t gotten a whole lot prettier since.
If you’re one of those men who wants to maintain the illusion of soft, pretty, muted motherhood, well…you’re going to want to avert your eyes. Nothing but gory truth from here on out.
#1. We’ll probably pee ourselves
Organs have to be rearranged in order to make room for a growing fetus, who will also squash our bladder during their final months in utero and damage our pelvic floor on the way out. The result is that laughter, a coughing fit, or even just bending over to pick up said child could cause a little (or big) squirt.
#2. Hemorrhoids are a dirty little secret
For all of the reasons listed above, plus hours of pushing, hemorrhoids can range from irritating to painful and can impact our sex lives long after giving birth.
#3. Hair loss
My husband has a sense of humor (thank goodness) and jokes that he’s going to make and sell merkins (aka, pubic wigs) out of the hair he collects from our shower drain every day.
#4. Breastfeeding is super cool. It’s also messy, painful, and sometimes gross.
There’s a lot of leaking, calluses that need to form, and if (heaven forbid) an infection creeps up, potential pus. Did I mention that oxytocin, the hormone that brings our milk down and out, is the same one that floods us when we have an orgasm? So yeah…don’t even think about having sex without a bra until your kid is done with those puppies.
Unless you’re into that kind of thing.
#5. Bodily fluids abound
I have no idea what exactly is smeared on my shirt and person on a daily basis, but it’s never nothing. At least it’s not poop…most of the time.