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The Marney Thanksgiving Letter

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In 2009, Awkward Family Photos received a submission that has gone down in history. The submission was a letter, known simply as “The Marney Letter,” in which Marney lays out her requests for what various family members should bring to Thanksgiving Dinner–and the level of detail rivals that of a major military campaigns. The best part– it’s 100% real, although the names have been changed to protect these brave family members.

For many, revisiting “The Marney Letter” has become a cherished Thanksgiving tradition, like viewing A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving, or trampling our fellow Black Friday shoppers. So whether it’s your first time or your 100th, let’s take a stroll through this classic letter together, shall we?

Yeah yeah yeah. Now that those pesky pleasantries are out of the way, we can get down to brass tacks.

Buckle up, people.

If you try to pass off a soup spoon as a serving spoon, not only will your dish promptly be thrown out, you will be required to track down all the descendants of the Pilgrims who came over on the Mayflower and apologize.

Got it? Don’t bring food that’s been superheated to 15,000 degrees. Don’t bring food that’s been exposed to the vacuum of outer space. And most of all, don’t bring a dish of what looks like food but in fact is a delicious-looking hologram.

After Marney’s opening remarks, she moves on to her requests for each family.

This Thanksgiving, we will only be eating the things we hate! That way we can be thankful every day isn’t Thanksgiving!

No pressure? Then why did I just have a full-blown anxiety attack?

What is her beef with gallon jugs of water? I AM SO CONFUSED!

You know how Mike is about cheese. When he was in elementary school, his class toured a cheese factory. His teacher slipped and fell into a cheese vat, and she was tragically baked into a giant novelty wheel of brie. Mike can’t even look at cheese or he’ll freak out.

Subtext: Lisa, you might be grown up, but in no way do I trust you to handle anything more complicated than a veggie platter. That kind of trust can only be earned. With blood.

I can’t decide what’s the most passive-aggressive way to comply with the “2.5 to 3 quarts” part. This is what I’ve come up with:

-Bringing exactly 2.75 quarts.

-Bringing exactly 2.49 quarts.

-Announcing that your family recently converted to metric, and you will be bringing 2.5 to 3 litres. (And spelling it that way.)

-Bringing between 2.5 and 3 squash racquets.

What do you think?

Actually, June Davis, I would suggest buying a case of Clos du Bois. Save the one bottle for dinner and use the other 11 to get you get through making 15 freaking pounds of mashed potatoes.

Every story needs a hero, and I think we’ve found ours in Amy Misto.

Phew. That was quite the journey. But it’s not quite over yet! Here’s a dramatic reading of “The Marney Letter”:

And if you STILL want more Marney, be sure to check this interview with Marney herself, where you will learn more about her letter than you ever wanted to know!

Thanks for reading, and have a happy Thanksgiving!

h/t: Awkward Family Photos