One of the ironclad Laws of the Internet is, if you ask sincerely for advice, for any problem, Internet strangers will offer wiseass suggestions. And nobody knows that law better than Tseng Shao-Tsen, a mother from Taiwan who asked a Taiwanese Facebook group for help opening her “un-openable” cabinet.
Yeah, that one’s a doozy. An earthquake had struck the area near Ms. Tseng’s home of Hsinchu, Taiwan, shifting the plates into this precarious position.
Let’s see the helpful “advice” the Internet had for Ms. Tseng.
1. This person is clearly a sociopath.
“Open a bottle of wine > Have a drink > Wait for a husband to come home. Start a random argument out of nothing > Go to the kitchen . open the door and let it smash > blame it on the husband – he’ll apologize and buy a whole new set of plates.”
2. This person isn’t afraid to face tough decisions.
“It is a matter of economics, if the plates are cheap open the door. If the plates are irreplaceable smash the glass on the right.”
3. This person has a weak grasp of the laws of physics.
“Flood the house, then open the cupboard without any risk!”
4. This person spends a bit too much time on the computer.
“Build an identical house next to your existing house with only one difference, the plates would be on the shelf. Then delete the old house.”
5. This person is literally a comic book character.
“Go to Kamar-Taj, see The Ancient One, be a sorcerer, find The Eye of Agamotto, reverse or stop time, arrange back, and you’re done!”
6. This person works in IT.
“Try switching it off then switching it back on again.”
7. This person has no idea how cupboards work.
“Tilt the cupboard backwards, then open.”
8. This person plays a lot of Call of Duty.
“Just let yourself die and respawn back to your last check point when the plates were nicely stacked.”
9. This person is an entrepreneur.
“Sell it to the museum and name it the ‘Frozen in Time’ series.”
10. This person knows how to party.
“Gather your friends…make it a party! open the door and as the bowls crash to the floor.. yell OPA! and then you all have a drink together to toast the occasion.”
11. This person is a world class procrastinator.
“Tape the cupboard with scallop tape, then leave it for your grandchildren to deal with; or save it as a future dowry for your daughter.”
12. This person is crafty.
“The Jigsaw puzzle champion solution: buy much glue suitable for ceramics. Open the door quickly. Have fun for hours!”
13. This person should be receiving a Nobel Prize any day now.
“The theoreticist solution: define the plates to be unbreakable. Open the door safely.”
14. This person does things the hard way.
“Spend a few months in the secret mountain tops of Japan and train. You must become a ninja with lightning reflexes. With your newly found ninja skills catching those plates when you open the cupboard will be easy.”
15. This person’s solution will only cost a few hundred million dollars.
“Fly with the cupboard into the outer space. Open it safely. Then go back.”
16. This person wants to let the plates down easy.
“Get a big plastic bowl,stuff it with towels.. Have someone hold the bowl very close to the door, open gently and let it all the plates drop in there.. Even if any breaks, it will save you the stress of cleaning up.”
17. This person is the CEO of Kraft Foods, makers of Jell-O.
“Seal the cupboard tight with gaffer tape. Pour enough liquid jelly (lime flavour) Through a small hole in top of cupboard. Turn the air con on until it sets. Once jelly has set, slowly open door. Hopefully it slows the bowls down enough for you to rescue them all. Invite 25 people over to your house for a bowl of green jelly. Lol!”
18. This person suggested a Looney Toons solution.
“Use a rolling pin to flatten your arm. Once flat simply slide it up and push the plates back into their place.”
19. This person knows you gotta go big or go home.
Ok, listen carefully. You’ll need a rocket, a big rope, oxygen tank, parachute. How you do it: Tie the rope around a hook on your cupboard and shoot it to outer space….while in vaccum, do your chore and pull back to earth (we have stringed it right). shoot your parachute…don’t die!! P.S do wear your oxygen masks(unless you are immortal) Same can be achieved underwater as well, but lets go universal!!!”
20. And this person is just a delight.
“Take a picture of it and ask to people on internet.”
In the end, Ms. Tseng ignored all of this advice and went a different way. According to her son, “She opened one door slightly and used her hand to hold the plates, then she pushed the door further.”
Yes, posting her question to Facebook was a complete waste of Ms. Tseng’s time. But if that’s not the story of the Internet, nothing is.