There are only so many things you can know about being a parent before you actually become one – so while you might not find these rules in any book about what to expect once your little bundle arrives, those of us in the trenches can tell you they’re 100% true.
#15. Soon, your innate ability to tune it out will kick in, so don’t worry.
“You will watch the same TV show or movie over and over and over and over again, until you feel like you’re losing your mind. Then you’ll watch it more.”
#14. Do not start it. It will never be finished.
“Never, ever buy your kid something in the checkout aisle. You’ll never get out of a store without buying something (or a tantrum) again.”
#13. Never, ever make a face or the next time, it will be you.
“If you see a kid throwing a tantrum in public, you always have to make eye contact with the parent and give them a little nod of solidarity.”
#12. They have no real concept of time.
“Do not tell your kids about the really fun thing you plan to do in a few days. Tell them the day of or they will ask, ‘Is it time yet?’ a thousand times until it happens.”
#11. They take on a life of their own.
“Cheerios will be everywhere. Always.”
#10. Every single time.
“Your kid will have to go to the bathroom the minute the food reaches your table at a restaurant.”
#9. They will not understand.
“Never take a child from something they ARE enjoying so that you can go to something they MIGHT enjoy.
#8. A battle you should definitely pick.
“Kids should ALWAYS use the toilet before leaving somewhere. Even if it causes a war, put them on the toilet. Otherwise the second you get on the road, they’ll insist they cannot wait another minute to go.”
#7. Toddlers are a bunch of drama queens.
“When your kid falls or gets minimally injured, pretend you didn’t see it. Most of the time they’ll shake it off if there’s not an audience.”
#6. I was not prepared.
“All that fierce love you have for your kids comes with a huge amount of serious anxiety that you will NEVER shake off until you die.”
#5. Can confirm.
“Your kid will definitely poop, pee, or puke all over themselves the first time you dare to leave the house without a change of clothes for them.”
#4. You’ve been warned.
“You will likely never get to eat anything without someone wanting ‘just a bite.’”
#3. My husband is still working on this lesson.
“If you think it’s a toddler trigger word, you damn well better spell it out.”
#2. They always know.
“A baby will sleep quietly while you prepare your meal and start crying the moment you sit down to eat it.”
#1. Sharing is caring but also it never stops.
“Share something with your kid once and you will be doing it forever (or possibly until adulthood).”
Just wait and see if I’m right!