Parenting is not for the weak. There are late nights, more bodily fluid that you ever expected, battles over shit you never thought you would care about that never end, judgy parents, judgy inlaws, and more lack of sleep.
In the end, most people know in their heart of hearts that it’s all worth it, but for the father behind the Facebook page Dad Minus One, doubts must have been high the day his daughter pulled down his fly in public.
He shared the entire story, from the beginning, on his Facebook page and y’all – his pain is definitely our pleasure, because this is one you’ll be sure to laugh at while thanking the lord that (this time) it wasn’t you.
He starts with the caveat that his youngest daughter is currently obsessed with zippers – a fondness he usually encourages since it allows him extended minutes of peace.
“Everywhere we go, if she finds a zip then she will be occupied for anywhere up to 30 minutes just zipping it back and forth. Given the level of peace and quiet this tends to provide me, I’m fully supportive of this new interest and encourage her to go to town.”
This is a decision he would come to regret one day while out and about – the moment he heard her yell “ZIPPPPEEEEEEEEEE!” and lunge for the zipper on the front of his shorts.
“Her words barely resonated and echoed around my ear canals when she manages to start pulling down my fly,” he relays. “I hurriedly try to release her vice-like grip from the zipper on my pants.”
As a crowd gathered, he begged her to let go, telling her that zip wasn’t for playing with like the others.
Cue parenting lightbulb moment we’ve all had at one time or another – toddlers cannot and will not differentiate between appropriate and inappropriate places and times. If they’re allowed to play with something, that’s black and white.
The crowd, in dad’s mind, see a two-year-old furiously trying to get at a grown man’s crotch instead of the innocent act of zipping that the little girl intended.
“I’m practically yelling my objections in the hopes people will realize that 1) I’m actually the father of this child and 2) it’s not as horribly inappropriate as it seems.”
Like any good two-year-old, the little girl isn’t a fan of the word ‘no’ and responds just as loudly.
“MORE DADDY MORE DADDY I WANT MORE.”
I. Would. Have. Died.
So did his wife when she emerges from her moment of peaceful shopping alone to find her daughter twisting her father’s testicle into oblivion. She manages to get the little girl away after some more grabbing and yelling and twisting – and horrified stares – while Dad Minus One scurries off to the bathroom to inspect the damage.
You guys. I just don’t know what to say except that this is parenthood. If you can’t imagine hacking this moment, then stay on the sidelines.