The Man Flu is real, y’all, Not in the sense that men actually have it worse when it comes to getting sick and dealing with it, but in the sense that they think they do, and nothing you can say will be able to convince them they’ll be able to survive the same illness you probably have – all while you’re still taking care of the house and work and the kids and occasionally yourself.
If you need proof, check out the sh*tshow when the dreaded Man Flu invaded Sydney Waters’ house.
She writes at Strollin’ With My Homies, and writes that it all began when she heard her husband start to cough from the basement.
“Just as sure as the sun rises and sets, I can count on him to be completely useless for a solid week if he so much as sneezes.”
This was worse, though – it was the stomach flu, they both had it, and she was also pregnant, caring for a toddler, and nursing a six-month-old (so I mean, they must get along sometimes).
“I watched my husband transform right before my eyes, stumbling around saying he’s going to puke. Grreeeeeat. The moment he says he’s feeling sick, my eyes automatically roll into the back of my head and touch my spine. Instant dread.”
The story is seriously hilarious from here on out, so you’ll want to read the entire thing on Love What Matters, but here are the highlights:
She goes through the stages of disbelief watching her husband deal with the same illness she’s been struggling with for hours (but with a baby on her boob). Then, she watches him destroy the house – loudly.
“First stop is our kitchen sink. He pukes all over a week’s worth of dirty dishes. He’s obnoxiously loud when he’s barfing to make sure I know this is the real deal. the neighbors known it’s the real deal. The next town does, too.”
He makes it to the bathroom after she makes it clear the kitchen is not appropriate, but pukes in the bathtub instead of the toilet. Because of course. Makes total sense since you can’t flush it.
“He lays on the floor with his eyes closed and starts moaning, ‘Syd. Syydd. I can’t. I can’t see.’ Oh Jesus so now he can’t see? Is this a joke? He has a flu symptom that doesn’t even exist. Actually, I can’t. I should probably leave. Where is this dude’s mom?”
Which is when he tells her to call 9-1-1.
“He’s rolling around like a pig in sh*t but in his own barf that’s everywhere but the toilet. I decided to try to call his bluff. ‘Do you need me to call 9-1-1??? We just have the stomach flu and I’M PREGNANT. I’m tired. You’re telling me I am going to pick up the phone and say this is an emergency. You know they’re going to actually come here RIGHT?”
As a quick aside, her husband is also a first responder and a combat vet. The Man Flu doesn’t discriminate, folks.
He told her that yes, he needed an ambulance. YOU GUYS.
“They proceed to tell me I need to follow behind them to the hospital because he was going via ambulance. For the flu. That I gave him. I drive my pregnant butt alone to the hospital while puking in a plastic bag with my husband in front of me on a stretcher being doted on.”
On the plus side, Waters herself ended up getting IV fluids and a short hospital stay – since she was the pregnant one and all – and after a couple of days the family was as good as new. For now.
“If you think your hubs is the worst when they get sick, come and read this again for a reminder. Beware… the man cold and flu season is near. This could be you.”
It’s a hilariously well-told story, but here’s hoping I never have occasion to try to challenge her!