They were cropped at the ankle, with tapered legs that accentuated the width of your thighs, a sky-blue color that matched Jon Bon Jovi’s eyes, denim so thick you could crack a tooth on it, and of course, that high waist that turned the section from your ribcage to your crotch into one large amorphous, asexual pouch: they’re the Mom Jean, and they’re back in a big way.
Wait. You don’t mean these Mom Jeans, do you?
Hell yes, we mean those Mom Jeans. They’re trendy now and, personally, we couldn’t be happier about it. Remember all those pictures of your mom from the eighties and early nineties, wearing her Mom Jeans and looking happy as a clam? Well, it wasn’t just because of the cocaine — it was also because her jeans were functional, comfortable, and tough as nails.
Mom Jeans are the very best the world of jeans has to offer. For years now we’ve been suffering through low-rise skinny jeans — jeans that cling to your legs and make it hard to run after toddlers who are racing into traffic. Thanks to those jeans, everyone from the grocery store bagger to our mailman to all the other moms at school have seen the crack of our butts. We’re done with it.
Give us jeans that give our legs a little breathing room. Jeans we don’t have to roll up. Jeans that are going to be able to stand up to all the work we do taking care of our kids on a daily basis. Jeans that allow someone to guess where our belly button is and be off by about a foot. Jeans that say, “Get rid of your Spanx, Momma. We’re just going to go up and over that shit and turn your pooch into one big comfortable mound of you.”
And it’s not just us moms who are digging the return of the Mom Jean. These pants are being sold as “Mom Jeans” everywhere you look, including at American Eagle, Nordstrom, and Urban Outfitters. And the kids think they’re cool! There’s even a gal selling them on Etsy, and her reviews call them “super cute,” “stylish,” and “flattering.” Ladies, we would be fools to pass up on this opportunity to incorporate a little high-waisted flap-tucking goodness into our lives.
But wait, you’re thinking. Isn’t there a big difference between a 19-year-old wearing Mom Jeans as an ironic throwback and a 40-year-old overweight mom of two wearing them? To which I say, you shut your goddamn mouth.
We welcome Mom Jeans back with open arms and Boyfriend Jean dumpster fires. Because remember, Boyfriends come and go, but Moms are forever.