One thing that is true about literally every kid everywhere, it’s that they are wicked fast. Not only that, but they seem to have a sixth sense that tells them when no one is really paying attention to them.
This combination is how we get walls that are drawn on, dogs that are painted, and kids who have escaped naked down the street in the blink of an eye.
Here are 14 parents who still aren’t sure how it happened, but at least no lasting damage was done.
14. I would be dead now.
My son was 3. We were leaving Target. He left my sight as I was adjusting my bags. Maybe two seconds, tops. Poof. He was gone. I try to act cool , but my true crime podcast obsession got the best of me. The store locks down. We are all looking for him. People are checking cars outside. I’m calling my son’s name louder than any intercom system. We were just about to call police.
And then my toddler slides out of the cart area and acts like,”’Sup?” He decided it would be a most excellent idea to shimmy underneath the carts and sit there as the world turns inside out searching for him.
I hugged him and yelled at him for a good 10 minutes, ugly sobbing.
100/100 grateful for my Target folks. We catered lunch for them as a huge thank you and sorry my kid is an a-hole.
13. A mystery for the ages.
Woke up once and my two sons had climbed out of a window onto a flat roof.
They were 1 and 3. I still don’t know how they even got the window open.
12. A worst-case scenario.
Our firstborn was about 18 months. Walking but not that agile. I was downstairs on the computer, wife yelled down she was using the bathroom and for me to watch him. We misunderstood each other so he was alone for about 3 minutes.
She comes out asking where she is and he is no where to be found in the house. Thinking he’s just hiding we start a full search only to notice the back patio door is slightly open after a few minutes hunting.
Growing concern at this point but figuring he just snuck out back. A full search of the fenced/gated yard shows nothing. Now the heartbeat is going.
Start running out and down the street. Find him two blocks down. He was heading to the park which would have required crossing 2 roads, one of which was a busy one. Nice neighbors found him and were walking him home as they’d recognized us from previous walks.
Years later the little neighbor girl would remind us how he “saved his life”. Needless to say child locks went on all the doors in the house after that.
11. That one is trouble.
I was making dinner for my twin 18mo when boy twin starts to fuss, so I carefully put the knife about a foot away from the edge of the counter. I intentionally put it away from the edge because my girl twin is NOT to be trusted. I go change my boy and turn around and my girl is casually holding my large, sharp chopping knife!
I had to get it from her like a hostage negotiator so she wouldn’t run away with it. I couldn’t figure out how she got it so I looked at the video and as soon as my back was turned she was grabbing the cutting board to pull the knife closer and then immediately skipped over the carrots and peeler to grab the knife.
I was clearly correct in not trusting that feral child
10. Panic time.
I was the kid in this scenario. I was about 4 years old and wanted a carrot to snack on. Mind you, the carrot absolutely had to be peeled and no other way was acceptable to me lol. My mom was exhausted and laying down on the couch but didn’t mean to doze off but hey, parenting is tiring and she did deserve that nap lol.
Instead of disturbing her I decided to attempt to peel the carrot myself and sliced tf out of my thumb and freaked out. I remember the blood vividly. Lol she freaked out too but managed to stop the bleeding and doctored me up.
Thinking I learned my lesson because I was presumably a smart kid she laid back down after that incident. No…she should have known better. I proceeded to stick a pair of tweezers in the light socket of the kitchen while snacking on my carrot. Shocked myself good and blew the power out.
9. Best to not take any chances.
Husband reading a sign about watching your children on the trail at Gooseberry Falls in MN.
Looks up to see middle child heading to the edge of trail.
People fall every year. Some die.
I was further down the trail with the youngest.
He kept a firm grip on her for the rest of the walk.
8. That’s one way to meet the neighbors.
I had just moved into a new neighborhood on a cul de sac with my two young daughters (ages 5 & 2). I walked out to the community mailbox to grab my mail and met my next door neighbor while I was there. We chatted for a couple minutes when I heard my older daughter yelling from the front door “Hey Dad! Younger Daughter (YD) is naked!”. I look over at my house and YD is standing at the end of the driveway as naked as the day she was born. I locked eyes with YD, and with a laugh she turned around and started bolting the opposite way from me up the street.
I quickly said goodbye to the neighbor, tucked my mail under my arm, and started chasing her down the block. I ended up scooping her up with my other free arm a block later while she was laughing her head off. All of the other neighbors got a good laugh seeing me chasing her down. Couldn’t get mad at her as it was so funny, and was impressed she could get undressed so fast.
7. They always move.
We moved into our new house on Halloween in 2001. Most of the heavy lifting was done, so the wife decided to begin unpacking the important stuff and I would take our 8 year old daughter out trick or treating. We stepped outside and I realized I left my phone.
Standing on the front porch I tell her…”Don’t move, I have to get my phone. I’ll be right back. Do not move.”
Narrator: She moved.
New neighborhood. Kids and parents everywhere. I’m running up and down the street frantically and after about 15 minutes later I spot a family, mom and dad and a handful of rugrats…with mine in tow.
They had a good laugh telling me they just turned around and there she was, having appeared out of nowhere. Decided to stay close assuming some hysterical parent would eventually come running.
6. Mad dad instincts.
My five year old had a drawer of plastic cups that were always accessible to him. He could get a cup, fill it at the sink, and get a drink of water whenever he wanted. It was great. He had been doing it since he was three.
Anyway. One day, he decided he wanted a glass glass of water.
So, we are eating breakfast. I got up to pee.
I was away for literally a second.
He pulled out a chair.
He moved the chair to the kitchen counter.
He climbed the chair.
He used the shelves as grips and foot supports to climb up to the glasses.
I came out of the bathroom.
I walk back into the kitchen the moment that the top shelf broke.
He fell backward.
I dove forward.
I caught my son in midair, moments before his back landed in a pile of shattered pint glasses.
My forearms, hands, and wrists were all embedded with broken glass.
Ironically, he literally put the chair directly in front of his little drawer full of child-safe cups.
The glasses that were broken were among some of my prized possessions. So many unique pint glasses from Disney world, ski resorts, out-of-the-way American towns, the super cool ones that had been stolen from countless bars, grills, and restaurants (my wife has a compulsion), and even my PBR pint glass that my grandpa gave me (he stole it, too).
Anyway. It was quite a day.
5. No one was expecting that.
Not my kid, but about 20 minutes ago a toddler just kinda… wandered into my apartment.
I had the door unlocked so maintenance could come in and out while working on something.
My daughter and I heard the TV go on and sure enough some little blonde girl with cute pigtails is just plopped down watching cartoons.
Lol. Her parents were probably sh%tting bricks.
4. Nothing to see here.
Went to the toilet, leaving the newborn asleep on a blanket on the floor (on top of a large fluffy carpet).
3 year old was watching tv nearby.
Came back to find baby literally rolled up in carpet like a dead body, 3 year old sitting on top, with a cushion under him too.
Still don’t know how he did it at all let alone so quickly, and how the baby was totally chilled and unharmed.
3. They will not have mercy.
Not me but my wife. Our two younger kids are 14 months apart. When our daughter was around 3 and our son was 2, my wife went into the garage to grab a frozen pizza out of the deep freezer and one of the kids, not sure which one, shut the door and locked my wife in the garage.
She was banging on the door and could hear the little boogers in there laughing at her. My wife was not amused, she got a flathead screwdriver from my toolbox and manage to unlock the door. This all took 15 minutes or so, when she got in the house they were in their room watching cartoons and eating cookies they manage to steal.
They would’ve left her out there all night. Its funny now 10 years later but my wife was scared sh%tless. We have kept a spare key hidden in the garage ever since.
2. He just had to pee.
My dad was watching myself and my two cousins play SNES down in our den, and got up to pee.
Somehow in the 2-5 minutes he was gone, we’d gotten one of my cousins on the treadmill, and got it angled into a downhill descent (pretty sure we’re the reason treadmills no longer have these) and jerked the dial all the way to max speed.
My dad came in just in time to watch my cousin and I launch our other cousin four feet through the air into the wall.
No worries, nothing broken, but trying to explain why my cousin had a big pump knot on her head got my dad in a lot of trouble.
1. Not the subtlest, kid.
One of my uncles locked Grandma out of the house once when he was a toddler.
She heard him singing, “flour, sugar, coffee, four, sugar, coffee, flour, sugar…”
Sure enough, when she got back in, there was a pile on the floor of flour, sugar, and coffee that he’d scooped out a spoonful at a time.
She said it was worth cleaning up the mess that she knew exactly what he was up to the whole time she was outside.
I am cringing, but mostly because I obviously know it’s only a matter of time until it happens to me again.
What’s your “it was one second!” story when it comes to you kids? I know you’ve got ’em, so share ’em with us in the comments!