When you’re about to have your first baby, parenting books are your jam. And they’re great, for some things, but most of us quickly learn the hard truth – every child is different, every family is different, and blanket advice can sometimes make you more angry than anything else.
If you’re looking for real deal parenting advice, though, these 16 parents who have been there have your back.
16. Also, he can do this forever.
Until you develop an eye twitch, forsure.
3: Mommy, I wann Paw Patrol sticker
Me: They’re all gone, buddy.
Me: Because you used them all, dude.
Me: Because you wanted Paw Patrol stickers.
These are the conversations the parenting books don’t even remotely prepare you for.
— Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets (@gfishandnuggets) July 8, 2019
15. Ah, small humans.
They’re so much like big humans, when you think about it.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) July 16, 2020
14. He’s got to impress the ladies.
I’m not even mad at him.
You know what they don't put in parenting books? That in 16 years your baby will wash his balls with your 20$ LUSH shampoo bar.
— Madame Lifewaster Jr. 😐💀 (@elunatyk) April 30, 2019
13. Give it your best shot.
And realize up front that you might all be vegetarians afterward.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
— octopus/caveman (@OctopusCaveman) August 26, 2018
12. Texted my mom this tonight.
My baby is a big boy and I don’t like it one bit.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for how big your emotions will be as you watch your babies grow up before your eyes.
— 𝚖𝚘𝚖𝚖𝚊 𝚖𝚎𝚎𝚝𝚜 𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚕𝚍 ⋒ (@mommameetsworld) July 11, 2020
11. Time to break out “you’re grounded.”
Because you need to get the last word.
Meian: Today Hinata talked back to me. Then he said "hashtag roasted" and dabbed.
Meian: Non of my parenting books prepared me for that.
— incorrect jackadlers (@blackschweiden) June 25, 2020
10. Wow he’s a cooler parent than I am.
Imagine your kids wanting your input online.
My two kids are locked in some kind of competition for views on their YouTube channels (!!), and now they’re each lobbying me for a shout-out on Twitter.
They did not cover this in the parenting books.
— Matthew Green (@matthew_d_green) April 29, 2019
9. Also punch you in the eye. And the nose.
There’s no way to escape unscathed.
one thing those parenting books don’t tell you about having a baby is that it will kick you square in the balls at least once every day.
— david ehrlich (@davidehrlich) June 20, 2020
8. It seems so cheap up front.
That’s how they get you.
Nowhere in the parenting books does it tell you that you will be spending $60 on a mf build-a-bear.
— Swishergirl (@Swishergirl24) January 13, 2019
7. Bless his heart.
And bless yours, for raising a couple of boys. #solidarity
Walked into the livingroom & I could smell a fart.
I asked who did it & my 9yr old son said it was him.
My 4yr old son said he did it & now he's crying cause his big brother took the credit.
You don't read about this shit in parenting books.
— joe heenan (@joeheenan) November 22, 2019
6. One of many delightful firsts.
So many of them contain poop.
You can read all the parenting books you want, but nothing will prepare you for the first time you have to clean poop out of the wrinkles in your son's balls.
— Scary Mommy (@ScaryMommy) January 28, 2020
5. You knew she wasn’t really going to let you sleep.
How could she torture you properly otherwise?
My 3yo keeps telling me to lie down and rest and as soon as I close my eyes, she pounces on me to get me to wake up and then laughs maniacally and all I’m saying is it would’ve been nice if the parenting books hadn’t left out this “Help! I think my child is a sadist” stage.
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) September 16, 2019
4. She’s never going to finish it.
I’m sorry if that’s a spoiler but it’s true.
The parenting books never warned me how much of my daughter’s toddler years would be spent waiting for her to finish this grilled cheese.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) February 2, 2018
3. Definitely not adorable.
Not even when you’ve been there, tbh.
None of the parenting books prepare you for your toddler screaming, “I’m just picking my butt” in the middle of a restaurant.
— Mom On The Rocks (@mom_ontherocks) July 29, 2019
2. They do love their penises.
It starts young, my friends.
Five year old was just telling his sister a story, and he started it with “Once upon a time there was a little penis.”
They left this shit out of the parenting books, and tbh I’m kinda glad because it’s much better as a surprise.
— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) March 2, 2020
1. Gotta love realizing you’re raising a smarta$s.
Proud mom moment right there.
My son texted me halfway through his first day of school “I HAVE STRAIGHT A’s SO FAR!” & parenting books did not prepare me for this level of proud.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) August 22, 2019
I love all of this advice – I wish this had been in a book before I had my first!
What parenting advice do you wish someone had given you before you jumped in feet first? Tell us in the comments!