One of the most sacred responsibilities a new parent has is giving the baby a name. The names we pick are as varied as the human beings who give and receive them, but most of us, I think, realize that it’s something that should require some consideration and thought.
There’s a lot in a name, after all.
Labor and delivery nurses, I imagine, brace themselves when they ask laboring mothers what the baby will be named – mine did it each time and wrote on a white board in the room “Happy Birthday ___!”
There must be names they hate and names they don’t understand, but which choices made them want to actually speak up? Read on to find out!
17. Some people are so focused on themselves.
I knew a woman who named her daughter Sunni. White “new age” sort of woman. I don’t think she realized it, ever.
16. I actually like the name Sunshine.
My boyfriend’s grandmother wanted to name her daughter Sunshine. The midwife said that wasn’t allowed because “it wasn’t a real name” and his grandmother had no other back up baby names.
So, a few minutes later when she heard someone down the hall screaming “Tina”, she named her daughter Tina because she couldn’t think of anything else on the spot.
15. I bet they were grateful.
My classmates mother was a maternity nurse and she has a couple who wanted to name their son “Collin” but wanted to give him a “unique” spelling for it. (I do not understand why parents do this. It doesn’t make a boring name more interesting all it does is set your child up for lifelong inconvenience.)
They spelled it out for her to put on the birth certificate C-O-L-O-N. They tried to name their son colon. As in, the organ attached to your anus.
When my classmates mother explained this to them they were painfully embarrassed and asked her to write it down with the normal spelling instead. I don’t think they’ll ever live it down.
14. A family name.
I once met a dude named Lovey. It was a family name. I think it was especially cute because he was such a big tough guy.
13. Why THAT word?
I tried to tell someone not to name their kid Tarmac. They learned the word from NASCAR.
12. God bless brothers.
My brother talked my mother out of naming me Mulan, because he had a major crush on her and didn’t think a “sack of potatoes” deserved to be given her name.
11. Even the French get it.
In France there used to be a list of names you had to choose from (mostly based on that day’s name saint and 3-4 others). Which is why there were so many Jean / Marc / Louis /Phillipe / Marie / Anne / Valerie, etc in France.
Now it’s a free choice…. but anyone can ask a judge to cancel a name-choice and force the parent(s) to suggest one the judge finds acceptable. So no names like Coca-Cola, Xerox, Cocaine, Anal, Nutella, Sex Fruit, Devil, Blue Murder… PLUS the rejected name gets added to a “banned” list to streamline the rejection in the future.
10. Why, though?
My boyfriend was nearly called Eggbert… But predominantly egg for short. Glad they decided against it!
9. Who decides what’s offensive?
Portugal also has a list of names. It includes multiple spellings of the same name (Eric, éric and Erik are all allowed, even though Eric’s not really a Portuguese name) and names that just aren’t from the Portuguese language (I think they’re there so children of 3rd generation immigrants can have names from their cultures).
However, if at least one of the parents isn’t Portuguese, you’re allowed to name your child anything that’s not offensive
8. No. Stop.
I am neither a nurse or midwife, but I once was paid to design birthday cards for a kid name Mileage (pronounced My Leige, like you would refer to a King).
Both the pronunciation and the spelling made me question why i deal with this customer base.
7. Those are…nothing alike.
My uncle wanted to name his daughter Raider God. I’m glad they settled on Jada.
6. Some of these should not be legal.
I worked at a registrar for a while and among the birth certificates I got some of the standouts i saw were:
Killer, Syphilis and Sweet Prayer Sunrise (this one was a boy).
5. You’ve always gotta wait until the series ends.
As a Family Medicine Resident, I personally delivered two different girls named Khaleesi. This was around 2016, well before season 8.
I imagine there might be some buyer’s remorse on the parents part at this point
4. Talk about a complex.
Boss’s friend named their kid Monster Galileo
Nurse tried to talk them out of it. Called in child services to talk them out of it. They insisted.
Kid goes by Galileo. Honestly, I kind of like the sound of it for an adult or a performer’s name but gah, being a kid named ‘monster’ has to be rough in school.
3. Those poor nurses.
not a nurse, but as a med student a patient wanted to name her child Mudpiles. The nurses silently protested and waited a few days.
Mom changed her mind.
2. Bless her mother.
Before I was born, my dad wanted to name my Sky… But he thought that replacing the y with an I would be cute.
Thank god my mom isn’t stupid or I may have been named Ski.
1. Is it supposed to be…creative?
My mom is a public school librarian and the cringiest name she has encountered so far is a girl named “Lesmie” (pronounced like Leslie but with an M).
I am appalled, y’all, and I honestly didn’t think that was possible anymore.
What’s the most jaw-dropping baby name you’ve heard in person? Share it with us in the comments!