There are some days when being a parent really is all rainbows and sunshine and your kids eating what you serve them and no one asking for one more episode of Team Umizoomi.
There are days that are…not like that at all, and that call for a glass of wine and something – anything – that can either make you laugh or realize that at least you’re not alone in your madness.
These 18 tweets do both, I think, so if you’re having one of those latter days, here you go!
18. It can even be a sandwich on wheat bread with Miracle Whip instead of mayo idc.
FOR SALE: 2 kids, 5 and 3 years old. Gently used condition. They run very well. ᵀʰᵉʸ ʰᵃᵗᵉ ˢˡᵉᵉᵖᶦⁿᵍ . Extremely cute and funny. ᵂᶦˡˡ ⁿᵒᵗ ᶠᵘᶜᵏᶦⁿᵍ ˢˡᵉᵉᵖ. Funny and charming. ˢᵉʳᶦᵒᵘˢˡʸ ᴵ’ᵐ ˢᵒ ᵗᶦʳᵉᵈ. Best offer or will trade for a sandwich.
— Tired Dad of 2 (@Tired_Dad_of_2) February 4, 2020
17. She’s got you, there.
7-year-old: I'm done with homework.
Me: You did it?
7: That's not what I said.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 4, 2020
16. Ma’am that is grounds for dismissal.
My daughter just accidentally dropped her snotty tissue into my coffee and if that’s not a metaphor for parenting I don’t know what is.
— Rhyming Mama (@sarabellab123) January 9, 2020
15. I wouldn’t even know what to do with that, but with two boys, I guess I’m going to learn.
10: the tip of my dick is hurting
Me: hey, language!
10: sorry, the tip of my Richard is hurting
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) January 28, 2020
14. Why is this so true, though?
My kids will ask me to buy them something in literally any store. Like I swear to god that if I walked into an auto parts store, we wouldn’t even get fully inside before they’d say, “Hey mom! Can we get spark plugs?”
— Rachel Sobel (@whinecheezits) February 4, 2020
13. And they always make a face and say “this is not what I ordered!”
Parenting is just like waitressing only you get the same customers for every meal and they’re the shitty kind that demand ridiculous things and then never tip.
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) January 26, 2020
12. Oh, honey. Let me tell you a story about how you’re alive.
My daughter just asked me if my boobs were ever round. In case you’re wondering about some of the ways motherhood crushes your soul.
— Rachel Sobel (@whinecheezits) January 23, 2020
11. Showing is always more effective than telling.
Friend: so what’s it like parenting a toddler?
Friend: just curious.
Friend: I don’t know nevermind.
Friend: hey fuck you man.
Me: yes that’s it exactly.
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) January 30, 2020
10. My son wants in on the ground floor.
My daughter just told me that she invented fart-infused bathtub water and that I should “invest now”
— Jonesy the Beautiful Idiot 🇨🇦 (@Jonesy_donkey) January 2, 2020
9. They always know just what to say.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo: your breath stinks.
Me: sleep tight *unplugs nightlight*
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) February 5, 2020
8. Time travel is not nearly as cool as I was told, Hermione Granger.
How much time passes from the minute I drop kids at school until I pick them up 7 hrs later:
approx 37 min
How much time passes from the minute I pick them up from school until they finally fall asleep that night:
exactly 19 days, 22 hours, 49 minutes and 37 seconds
— MomTransparenting (@momtransparent1) February 5, 2020
7. They have no mercy when you’re on the ropes.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.
Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) February 4, 2020
6. OMG this got to me in time praise Jesus.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
— Go Ask Your Dad (@_goaskyourdad_) February 3, 2020
5. What can I do to lock you into this experience today?
If you enjoy fighting with someone at 7 AM about brushing their teeth I can't recommend parenting highly enough.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 29, 2020
4. This is going to be a loooooooong wait for mine. And a lot of w(h)ine for us both.
I thought I had more time, my 5 year old just asked that dreaded question…
No, not the sex one, he asked me “When can I get my own phone?”
— Momsense Ensues (@momsense_ensues) January 31, 2020
3. Just because you’re asleep doesn’t mean you’re not having sex.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I'm asleep.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) February 4, 2020
2. There’s really nothing left to teach her, then.
I'm not saying my daughter has life figured out but she's walking around with a purse full of cheese.
— Marcy G 🍕 (@BunAndLeggings) January 17, 2020
1. Be thankful they brought it to you before it rotted in their bag.
Let’s play a game of “Why Did Part Of My Child’s Lunch Come Back Home Uneaten Today?” Choose one:
A. “I didn’t have time to finish”
B. “I didn’t notice that was in there”
C. “It got soggy/brown/warm/cold”
D. “I don’t like [insert food] anymore even though I loved it 2 days ago"
— SpacedMom (@copymama) January 28, 2020
I definitely think humor is the way to make more people feel better, so I love finding tweets like these.
What’s your go to coping mechanism when the little humans you created are in full mutiny mode? Please, share them with us in the comments!