Kids are many things – adorable, trying, sweet, evil, and everything in between. That said, there is also no arguing that they are also super weird.
Like, all of them.
Which makes sense, because they’re humans and we’re all weird, but still… There’s something hilarious (and sometimes freaky) about the things that pop out of kids’ mouths, and the 20 things below have to rank high on most people’s weirdness scale.
#20. What a coincidence!
Lifeguard at the lake: "EVERYONE PLEASE EXIT THE WATER, WE'RE LOOKING FOR A 5 YEAR OLD BOY IN BLUE SHORTS NAMED TITUS"
Little boy standing next to me in blue shorts: "hey, my names Titus too"
— Jacob Bayless (@Jake_5_Bayless) June 9, 2018
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
— Carlie V (@Carlie_Veenhuis) June 22, 2018
#18. I die.
today we asked my three year old cousin how much he weighs and he said, "uhhh, like fifty squirrels"
— keera (@keera_w) December 24, 2017
#17. That leaves a rather large potential mate pool, I think. Smart kid.
*Overheard conversation between 2nd grade boys*
“Do you think you’ll ever fall in love?”
“I don’t know. I think if she likes pancakes, then probably.”
— hallie (@hallierb) March 9, 2018
#16. I think your parenting missed something there.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
— Ally (@TragicAllyHere) August 16, 2018
#15. Yeah, you tell ’em, kid!
Random guy: *honks at me for taking too long to pull out of my parking space* MOVE YOUR CAR, LADY!
My 4-year-old: *rolls down her window* HEY!!! YOU CAN’T TELL MY MOM WHAT TO DO! YOU’RE NOT HER KID!
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) October 31, 2018
#14. From the mouths of babes.
i ask my toddler what's in the box she's holding. "chaos!" she replies. "chaos! chaos!" i know she's trying to say "crayons," but it's not like she's wrong.
— rachelle mandik 🕳 (@rachelle_mandik) January 9, 2018
My 4-y/o daughter tried to jam me up today.
Kid: Mommy, why is your bra in daddy's car?
The Mrs hit me wit a killer side eye. She ain't been in my car in weeks
Me: Ain't no bra in my car!!
Kid: Ya huh, cup thingie with straps
*we all go to garage & look in car* pic.twitter.com/3c4kItwnZO
— ManSitChoAzzDown (@AngryManTV) June 27, 2018
#12. She is me.
6-year-old: I woke up.
Me: Um, good job?
6: Thanks. I'm done for today.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 24, 2019
#11. Nobody puts his feet in a corner.
4-year-old: Why do we have to wear shoes?
Me: They protect your feet.
4: No, they trap your feet. *whispers* They’re feet traps.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) January 7, 2019
#10. Definitely something less cool than that.
Me: What did you do at school today?
5-year-old: Learned about dragons.
Me: Your class learned about dragons?
5: I learned about dragons. I don't know what everybody else was doing.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 19, 2018
#9. It’s what we all want, sweets.
Me: What do you want to be for Halloween this year?
Can't say she's not mine.
— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) September 17, 2018
#8. It’s called bonding, okay?
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 9, 2019
#7. You really can’t blame anyone but yourself.
My son is learning to shower:
6: how much shampoo do I use?
Me: the size of a pea.
(Hears pump after pump being shot out of the jug)
Me: how much did you use? Sounds like a lot.
6: have you ever seen how much I pee in the morning?
— Mommy Narrated (@MommyNarrated) September 13, 2018
#6. Definitely depends on the day.
My daughter, who I grew from scratch in my own body, saw me wearing my new boots and said, "No. Hideous. Either they go, or I go."
Don't pressure me. I'm still deciding.
— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) January 14, 2019
#5. Morbid, but not untrue.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he'd carry on playing with its corpse
— Reverend Stigmund the first (@stiggib3) July 1, 2018
#4. Hence it shall be known forever.
I generally think of myself as an okay father but somehow I forgot to teach my two year old son what an owl was and he thought it was called a wood penguin
— non podhoretz (NOT the guy from commentary) (@crookedroads770) June 10, 2018
#3. That’s…not at all comforting.
Me: "Who got pee on the floor?"
5y.o: "Wait- did you say the floor or the wall?"
5: "Oh- not me, then."
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) January 24, 2019
#2. That’s deep, man.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
— octopus/caveman (@OctopusCaveman) August 26, 2018
#1. She’s asking all the right questions.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
— Oops!…I Dad It Again (@NewDadNotes) January 3, 2019
Because kids, I guess. Gotta love ’em!