I never could have guessed how much of an issue this would become in my marriage once we had children, but the amount of time my husband spends “pooping” – aka hiding from parenting duties in the bathroom – is truly astounding.
Men complain about how long it takes women to get ready, while they take 45 minutes to poop.
— Ally Macy (@allymacy) February 2, 2018
He claims it’s necessary and he can’t help it. I claim that if that’s true, then he really needs to see a doctor. And round and round we go.
I also never would have guessed that this is a problem for like, every other woman in my situation.
The issue came to a head (heh) when one woman posted on Reddit, asking if she was wrong for turning off the WiFi if her husband spends more than 10 minutes on the pot, and the good folks at Romper went and talked to an actual medical professional about how long it should take a human adult to clear their bowels.
AITA for turning off the wifi when my husband camps in the bathroom for extended lengths of time. from AmItheAsshole
Hint: It’s wayyyyyyyyy less than 30 minutes, men.
Dr. Niket Sonpal is an Associate Program Director in residency at Brookdale University Hospital and Medical Center.
“No one should, in theory, take that long to have a bowel movement.
This means the person is not getting enough water, and the stools are too hard.
They are not getting enough fiber, and the stools are not bulky enough.”
In fact, a 2017 study published in Soft Matter says that the average mammal – including humans – takes around 12 seconds to poop.
Srsly how long does it take men to poop?!
— Danni B. (@nielleda) May 2, 2016
Yeah, I know.
So, what’s going on with the men in our lives?
Manhattan psychotherapist Jonathan Alpert has an idea, and he suspects the wives have been right all along (obviously), and husbands are using the toilet as some kind of not-so-secret hideout.
That is because women usually rush everyone else to be ready, then take their time getting ready themselves. Guys aren’t hurrying people to take a dump. In fact many take longer because it’s their only escape.
— Lance Rogers (@ragehavoc420) January 29, 2020
“I guess I would call it a safe place.
You know, most people aren’t going to question someone’s activities or motivation for going to the bathroom.
Everyone deserves their privacy to go to the bathroom, and I think some people might be using it for a little more than that and to their advantage.”
That said, women aren’t taking that long on the toilet, and if they try, you can bet privacy isn’t a thing that happens.
Here’s the thing: we all know your husband isn’t in there pooping for 30 minute stretches, so why not just have a conversation about shared duties and why you’re so frustrated at how many hours a week he spends away from his half of the job? Maybe over a fiber-rich meal?
If that doesn’t work, well…you can always switch off the WiFi. I’ve heard that works like a charm.