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It might come as a surprise to our kids, but every single mommy or daddy had a life before they, you know, made a life.

Like all humans, we’ve made mistakes, hopefully learned from them, and made some questionable choices growing up (like you’re supposed to!).

Some of us, though, have secrets about our youth that we hope our kids never, ever find out.

11. One day, she might need to know.

My daughter was abused when she was an infant by her mother. since then I have gained full custody and my daughter is 5. Probably never going to tell her.

10. They don’t need to know.

I really didn’t like either one of them until they were about 2.

I mean, they were cute, adorable little babies but I really just don’t like infants.

They’ll never know because it sounds shitty to say, “Yo, you f*cking sucked for a while.”

Maybe when they have kids, I’ll let slip…

9. Wild lady.

I’m sure my mom has no idea I know her and dad were swingers. And that despite it, she still cheated.

8. That’s a lot.

That she was conceived during a threesome.

7. They might not care. One day.

That daddy and I don’t go to “dinner parties” we hit up swing clubs.

6. Bless his heart.

We had a goldfish named SteveFish. Well, we had 3 of them over the course of 10 years. My youngest son thinks it was only one.

5. Maybe one day…

That I’ve done more hallucinogens than he or his friends could ever dream of doing. I used to love LSD.

4. It’s best if she doesn’t have to see that.

I ran over my daughters favorite stuffed toy, with my lawnmower. But i told her that the neighbors dog stole it.

3. That’s…something.

That one of my sons was conceived while a random guy watched on Skype..

2. Why, though.

I used my son’s microscope to look at my own sperm. Yep…I jizzed on my kids toy…..on purpose.

1. At least she’s happy with her choice.

We drove to the abortion clinic (like the time before) but backed out at the last god damn second. Son, you will never know this and I love you.

I honestly don’t really have any of these in the closet…I don’t think?

Do you? If so, share with us in the comments!


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