I hear there are people who are happily married, who get along every day and the workload is equal and no one ever thinks about murdering the other person in their sleep and making it look like an accident.
For the rest of us, there are tweets like these 12, because we’re here to tell it like it is.
12. She’s just saving up for a good lawyer.
I want to murder whoever invented the snooze alarm.
Me and my husband have been married for over 11yrs. I know it's true love because starting at 5am his alarm goes off like 4 times every single day, and he's still alive.
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) July 25, 2020
11. Why do you have to be so LOUD?
Is it in male DNA? What is happening?
Marriage year 1: Your sneezes are so cute.
Marriage year 10: For the love of God! I hope your head explodes.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) July 22, 2020
10. You get what you ask for.
Very literally sometimes.
[during sex]
Me: hurt me
Wife: I call my dad when you leave the house to ask him how to fix your renovation mistakes.
Me: wait-
Wife: I secretly hired a landscaping company to take care of the grass because your lawn care skills are severely lacking.
— Royotathon 🚘 (@Royotathon) June 21, 2020
9. That’s true love.
Not lust, but love.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) July 23, 2020
8. That was a bad five minutes.
And then it was funny.
Just found a black thong tucked inside my bedsheets that I knew didn’t belong to me so I called my husband over to ask wth that is. So anyway funny story… turns out a thong looks a lot like a face mask.
— Mommy Owl (@Mommy__Owl) July 17, 2020
7. That’s what she thinks of your taste.
Honesty is (mostly) the best policy.
Wife: That's a new shirt.
Me: It was on sale.
Wife: Was it free?
Me: No.
Wife: You paid too much.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 8, 2020
6. I don’t even know why they sell those things.
Honestly, only monsters buy them.
My husband brought home unfrosted Pop-Tarts and now I have to file for divorce. We had a good run.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) July 13, 2020
5. Hahaha and everybody laughed.
Except him, I guess.
overheard my wife telling old friends from high school that we’ve been married for 18yrs, and when they asked “what’s ur secret,” my wife said “low standards” wtf
— Grant Tanaka: Honky (@GrantTanaka) July 19, 2020
4. And after a few years, one hates the other one.
Stop being like that! You’re an adult!
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) July 12, 2020
3. That’s quite the downer.
And yes, it will happen to all of us.
My husband popped in from work and surprised me. After whispering a sexy suggestion to him he whispered back, “I was just in the area and I really gotta poop.”
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) July 25, 2020
2. Just wait until you have kids.
No one is ever listening.
80% of marriage is repeating yourself.
I SAID 80% OF MARRIAGE IS REPEATING YOURSELF.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 2, 2020
1. We’ve heard every suggestion in the book.
It’s pretty exhausting at this point tbh.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive pic.twitter.com/fiCyVN5Ueb— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) July 17, 2020
I mean, I’m not running out or anything, but I can relate.
Which one of these was the most real for you? Let us know in the comments!