If you’re looking for a laugh today – either because you’re down in the dumps, it’s Monday (or any day), or you’re in need of a reminder on how to see the amusing side of your day-to-day with kids, there’s no better place to go than Twitter.
The parents there are freewheeling and dealing laughs at their own (and their kid’s) expense, so it’s well worth the trip.
12. They will find you.
The mob hires them, I’m pretty sure.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) July 1, 2021
11. Good thing they’re adorable.
Because they’re going to be naked on vacay. Which might have been the plan, now that I’m thinking about it.
Told my kids to try to pack their own stuff for the cottage – so far each of them has packed like one shirt and eight stuffed animals….and my 5yo drew me a picture. Holyshit you guys it’s a good thing we don’t need to catch a flight.
— Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets (@gfishandnuggets) June 30, 2021
10. Has she learned nothing in this life?
She just needs to hack your phone!
My fourteen-year-old keeps asking me for cash like it's 1982.
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) June 28, 2021
9. It’s like they want to be murdered.
Some days it’s like a game.
5: mom, you’re six years old
me: did you just count the wrinkles on my forehead like rings on a tree?
5: look! you just got older again!
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) June 29, 2021
8. They are the ultimate gaslighters.
And they don’t need any training or anything to figure it out.
Kids will straight-up knock something out of your hand and then ask "I wonder why you dropped that"
— Not Another Pinterest Mom (@snarkymomtobe) June 28, 2021
7. It’s basically a rite of passage.
The reason doesn’t matter.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) June 28, 2021
6. Ah, she finally gets it!
For today. Or maybe just for a couple of hours.
My 9 yo daughter just thanked me for always cooking food and not letting her starve to death… it's the little things 🖤.
— T͙a͙t͙t͙e͙d͙M͙o͙o͙n͙🌙 (@gracefulwraith) July 1, 2021
5. You want to get that one last dig in.
Would you even be a dad otherwise?
On my death bed:
Me: come closer children, I need to share a secret.
My kids: we’re here dad.
Me: write this down: put water in the ice tray and put ice tray in freezer overnight.
My kids: we know how to make ice, dad
Me: well, you had me fuckin’ fooled
— The Nefarious A-Aron (@deeprocktees) June 30, 2021
4. I wonder how this is going to work out.
It could go either way, honestly.
Dropping my daughter off at camp and she’s a little anxious. Told her to find the biggest camper and start a fight to establish dominance.
— Kevin M. Kruse (@KevinMKruse) June 27, 2021
3. It’s like being on a game show you never auditioned for.
And also one you can never win.
5: mom can i have a lemon tongue?
5: for a snack?
5: a baby orange!
me: omg. yes, you may have a clementine 💀
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) July 1, 2021
2. They all do this. All of them!
Is there some kind of training we’re not aware of?
Trying to fall back to sleep after a near heart attack from what I thought was asleep paralysis demon but was actually my child staring me down in the dark whispering “mommy” until I woke up pic.twitter.com/NcNP1kaWoS
— semi-hiatus (@Steph_I_Will) June 28, 2021
1. Some people just enjoy the silence.
Bless his heart.
6's morning routine is he likes being the first one up. he sits on the couch with the dog staring at the wall. then he makes himself cereal. after he eats, he empties his part of the dishwasher. then he sits quietly with the dog until the loud ones wake up. i think he's 60
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) June 28, 2021
I wish I could be so funny. Maybe some day!
Where do you go for hilarious parenting content?
Share with us in the comments.