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I never realized how many completely insane things I would say after having kids. I mean, I could fill an entire book just with the items I’ve had to tell my kids not to lick.

These 14 parents feel me, because they, too, have had to utter phrases no adult ever imagined they would – together we could write a three book series, I think.

14. No butt stuff.

“Don’t put that boat in your butt” fully nude potty training day with twins. SEND HELP!

13. They don’t need much time at all.

Probably the time my 4 year old son found a pair of the tiniest nail scissors possible and decided he was Nicky Clarke (UK celebrity hairstylist).

In the fifteen minutes before we found him with them, he managed to cut his 2 year old sisters hair really short.

Despite asking him repeatedly “Where did the hair go?” he wouldn’t say. To this day, we have no idea what he did with the hair he cut off, or how he managed it with such a tiny pair of scissors.

12. The list goes on and on.

Not today but “it is not OK to pinch your teachers bottom.”

“please when telling the class things won’t make your pen*s fall off can you not tell everyone that I told you to say it.”

“stop stroking the dog. That is no longer his belly”

“if you want to play with your pen*s you can’t be in the lounge…I don’t care that you want to stay with me, it is not a family activity”

“no you may not see how big mummy’s hole is.”

“so you want to chop people up when you grow up? Are you going to be a surgeon?”

kid. Said. No.

11. There’s a time and place for no pants.

The first was, “No, no more knock-knock jokes until you’re wearing panties,” which was one of those I wonder if this sentence has ever been said before? moments

The other one – along the same vein – was “Yes, I know they’re very pretty, but your panties have to go inside your pants.”

The kid did not like hearing that, BTW, and a tantrum ensued – she didn’t understand what the point was of having underwear with her favourite cartoon characters on them if she couldn’t show them off to people.

We were getting ready for church, by the way.

10. Parents are such a buzzkill.

Today my toddler wedged his squishy penguin bath toy in between his legs and jumped up and down in the tub shouting “penguin in the butt! HAHAHA penguin in the butt! He was laughing so hard he could barely talk.

After I got over the initial “WTF am I even seeing” brain paralysis, I told him “Get that penguin away from your butt NOW!”

9. Bless.

Not me, but my daughter to my grandson..”I ask you something nicely, and what do you do? You throw a lobster at me!”

(It was a toy plush lobster lol)

8. I feel like they’re too old to have to say that.

I’m not a parent, I’m a teacher, and I teach high schoolers.

I once had to tell a kid to never eat deodorant again.

7. You knew this was coming eventually.

Not today, but “Get that tampon out of your mouth!”

Yesterday I had to tell my 2 year old that no, he could not have a tampon too. He was upset about it until he saw where the tampon goes.

6. He was just checking.

Potty training: “No son, you don’t have to flush the fart down the toilet”

5. When you’re doing a silent slow-clap.

“Don’t sucker punch your brother.”

Secretly, though, I was kind of impressed. Solid form, and really got his weight into it. Our 7yo just went down with the wind knocked out of him.

4. So much going on all. the. time.

Quit chasing your brother with a penguin and quit pretending you’re going to pee on him!! – all one sentence.

3. You can never forget that.

When my kids were little (but this didn’t happen to my kids) there were these little white-person flesh colored toys called Muscle Men. Two little neighbor boys were taking a bath and their Muscle Men were in the tub with them to play.

The mommy heard the one say, “Oh I’m sorry, Jacob, I thought your pen*s was a Muscle Man.” I will never ever forget that story! I laughed so hard!!

2. They seriously have a death wish.

“Stop eating the couch!”

“Don’t put your baby brother in a headlock.!”

“Don’t wrap the phone cord around your neck!”

1. It doesn’t matter if there are two, or if they’re the same.

I have identical twin sons. When they were 18ish months old I was giving them both a bath, and one of them grabbed at his brother’s junk.

I said, “Leave your brother’s pecker alone, yours is exactly the same, play with that one if you must”.

Man, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry half the time!

What have you had to say to your toddlers lately that had you shaking your head? Make us laugh in the comments!


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