One of the hardest things about being a parent is finding yourself in the role of the heavy. Kids are hilarious, but there are so many times when you have to be the mature person and not laugh, even though it’s really the only thing you want to do.
If you feel this to your very core, you’re going to giggle at these 14 stories – and that’s just fine, because they’re not your kids.
14. The television is a bad influence.
While watching TV, my 4 year old told us she was “super sorry for being a crazy bit*h”. We explained the bad word, and told her she didn’t do anything wrong. Then we laughed about it.
We watch our language at home now.
13. Definitely a Boston native.
My boss has Red Sox season tickets.
She gave me a pair so I could bring my then 10 year old son.
We ended up on the “dance cam” on the big screen and my sweet baby boy decided to flip Fenway Park the bird.
12. Those kinds of family jokes are the worst.
When my 22yo son was a little dude, the Uncanny X-men was our favorite cartoon. Burger King was putting X-men toys in their kids meals. We went through a drive-thru to get some, but he was too young and they gave him a Snoopy doll. His sister got Wolverine but he got Snoopy and he was piiiiiiiiiiiiiiissed. He hucked it out the window and yelled THROW SNOOPY IN THE FIRE.
We all still say that sometimes when we’re mad. Flight delayed? Throw Snoopy in the fire. Drop the maple syrup? Throw Snoopy in the fire. Find a scratch on the car? Throw Snoopy in the fire. Great mood leveler.
11. I’m confused about the peeing.
I once caught my youngest son (about 3 at the time) peeing in the corner of his room…right next to the wastebasket and sort of behind a bookshelf. When I asked him why he was doing that when there was a bathroom 10 feet away, he said he was “watering the ants.”
Confused about what ants and why, I went over and peeked behind the bookshelf. And I found the ants. And the half donut he’d swiped and shoved back there. Along with various bits of candy, a slice of bread, and most of a chicken nugget. Apparently, he had seen an ant and decided to cultivate his own little ant farm in his room.
It was so absurd that I had a hard time holding it together while explaining to him that the ants would do just fine without feeding them and pissing on them.
10. It’s all his fault.
When I was little I threw a coin in a wishing well and screamed “I WISH ALL MEN COULD HAVE BOOBIES!”
9. Especially when they use the right inflection.
I was driving with my kids in the car and was almost hit by a driver making a very stupid maneuver. I responded by angrily saying “Oh, now look at this f*cking guy.”
My 3 year old son then continued to repeat that phrase for about a month, any time we were in traffic (Thankfully only in the presence of me). It was hard to correct with a straight face.
8. I would be dead from trying not to laugh.
My very well fed dog decided on this particular day that all the food in the auto feeder was his. He would eat when he pleased and when he wasn’t hungry he would lay down next to it and protect it from being eaten by his sister.
My 3 year old goes up to him and says “get away from your food, you fata$s!” I was dying. That is what I was thinking but not something I was going to say to him
7. At least he was amused.
Walking through the capital building with my then four year old son when a man on crutches with one amputated leg got into the same elevator as us.
My son said, in stage whisper, “Mom, what happened to his leg?”
The man heard him and kindly said that he lost his leg a year ago. My son didn’t miss a beat and said “Did you check between the couch cushions? My mom says she always loses sh%t in there.”
I was appalled. The man, on the other hand was laughing so hard he was crying.
6. So sweet.
For parent-teacher conferences one year, we had to make a four-square about our parents and share it with them. One of the instructions was that we had to describe three things that they do. I wrote about my father:
“Dad. Drives a Jeep. Drinks beer. Yells a lot.”
5. You can fist-bump him on later.
This just happened a day ago. For reference, I’ve been recently calling people “turkeys” in the car when my son is there and i need to vent (son is three).
So I’m picking wife and son up from the beach since parking is expensive. As I’m trying to turn around on this public street, these two young hellions are on bikes riding too close to my car as I’m in reverse. I say, “these kids should be more careful or they’re gonna get hit one day.”
My son says without a beat, “yeah, they’re f*cking turkeys.”
We were dying for a bit and told him not to say that word. Secretly i was proud he put that one together. It was exactly what i was thinking. He’s a chip off the old block.
4. At least she remembered.
Not my kid, but my niece. She just turned three. I was babysitting her recently, and we were playing around in the hallway.
She dropped something, and the following conversation took place.
Niece: “What da heck!” waits a second, then “we don’t say bad words”
Me: “Yeah, we don’t say bad words.”
Niece: “Yeah, we don’t say ‘what the f*ck’!”
I had to remove myself from the room to avoid her seeing me lose my sh%t.
3. Sometimes you gotta give them their props.
One morning we awoke to find our 2 year old boy covered head to toe in urine because he had removed his diaper. So while bathing him, our 5 year old girl asked if she could take a bath too. It was a weekday and we were all running very late getting ready for work and trying to get the kids to school on time. We explained to her that there was no time and the only reason he was getting a bath was because he peed his bed. She then went to her room, laid down, peed herself and re-emerged in the bathroom to say “Can I have my bath now?”.
I absolutely lost my shit, laughing uncontrollably. Mom was not so amused. I made pancakes and we all played hooky. We’re separated now, and this is still my favorite memory of when things were good. Thanks for this post.
2. She definitely speaks cat.
I was a single father who was raising a child while going to college. When my daughter was in kindergarten I picked her up after school and we went to the park. While playing on the jungle gym she farted. I teased her a little chanting “Jordan farted, Jordan farted.” She asked me to stop and I did.
Later that evening we were having dinner and I farted. So, of course, she started in right away “daddy farted, daddy farted.” But, just at that second, the cat walked into the room and I said “It wasn’t me, it was the cat.”
So I turned to the cat and asked “Cat, did you fart?” And out of the corner of my mouth I went “meow” and said “See, the cat said it farted.”
My daughter looked at me, looked at the cat, looked at me again and said “That’s not what the cat said. The cat said ‘dad, your an a$shole.’”
My eyes went WIDE, and before I burst out in laughter I clapped my hands over my mouth and managed to mutter “you know what you need to do” and right away she lowered her head and nodded and went to her bedroom.
1. He’s doing what he can with the tools they’ve given him.
My 4 year old had been raised with the fact that “booty” and “shut up” are bad words.
One day he was mad at me, and called me a “booty shut up”.
These are some of the toughest moments as a parent, I swear!
What’s your story that would fit on this list? You know you’ve got one!