Sure, we’re all individuals, unique and shaped by the experiences we’ve had, the people we’ve known, and the worlds we’ve lived, but listen…if you have taken on the title of dad in any way at all, there are also things that are true about you.
I’m sorry, but you don’t have any cool jeans and your jokes are terrible.
These 14 tweets unearth those little things that are true about men who are fathers – each and every one of them.
14. I would pay good money to have this happen in real life.
Or even just in a movie scene.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
— joeg (@gojarbe) September 5, 2015
13. We may never know the answer to this one.
They’re not telling. If they even know themselves.
why do dads always shake their handful of peanuts/m&m’s etc before popping them in their mouth?
— Spicy (@RyanMalicsi) November 23, 2018
12. His hands are also definitely on his hips.
And yeah, he could have left at any point.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
— lemonlime (@emmeline77) October 21, 2018
11. Hey, they got a lot done while you were asleep!
They almost read the whole paper!
Dads: *brag about waking up early*
Also dad 5 mins after sittin on the couch pic.twitter.com/RoHPQaZlin
— ♚ (@AntohLibra) March 5, 2019
10. The truth is he didn’t hear you.
Not that he doesn’t know who you’re talking about.
Is your dad really your dad if he doesn’t say “who?” after talking about any of your friends even if he’s known them for literally 7 years??
— potato twice baked (@kelkatcox) December 15, 2018
9. It’s fine he has no idea what he bought you anyway.
This made me laugh so hard.
my mom: do you love it ⍢⃝
my dad: HEY EVERYONE PUT YOUR WRAPPING PAPER IN THIS BAG. Hey, tell your, TELL UR SISTER TO PUT THE WRAPPING PAPER IN THIS BAG. CAN YOU GRAB THAT PIECE FOR ME. Here what IF I HAND YOU THE BAG. DONT JUST THROW IT OVER THERE, I—
— Jordan with a y (@jojomartian) December 25, 2019
8. Both of my parents do this.
Maybe it’s a Boomer thing.
Does anyone else’s dad not hang up the phone after they say “bye”? Do dads think the phone automatically hangs up?
— Charlie Puth (@charlieputh) February 18, 2020
7. Never tough the thermostat, son.
Make sure you’ve got a condom for the daughter.
Me: *making out with GF on couch* Your parents are out. Why don’t we take it up a notch?
Her Dad: *crashes in thru window* Touch that thermostat and you’re dead
— Brynnester (@brynnester) August 28, 2019
6. I mean, what did you expect?
Also I’m going to start keeping a tally for my kids.
My dad was just introduced to Venmo and it's the worst thing ever. He just requested $50 for "2001 tee ball registration fee"
— Adam Jacob (@Adamjacobbbb) August 15, 2017
5. That was his penance for getting out of the shopping trip.
He knew it, your mom knew it, you just went along with the madness.
Do you remember when your mom would take you shopping and you would come home and do a “fashion show” for your dad who was half asleep on the couch and would give you a nod and a “very nice” for every outfit or was that just my family.
— Brooke March (@Brooke_L_March) November 28, 2018
4. ‘Twas the Halloween candy that gave him away.
He worked hard for that Dad Tax, and he’s TeAcHiNG yOu A lEsSOn.
me: *waking up* who's there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you're real
monster under bed: but i won't hurt you
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
— Kayleecious🍧 (@TweetsByKaylee) October 27, 2019
3. Usually not with the same enthusiasm.
We’re just going home, after all.
lead singers at dads leaving a
a concert restaurant
“you guys ready to rock and roll?”
— joshy (@jxshadams) November 14, 2018
2. And oddly, none of them could “help it.”
It’s just the way they are or something.
never in my life have I heard my dad sneeze at an acceptable volume
— lou (@poth0le) December 27, 2018
1. Um he had kids so he wouldn’t have to get up.
Obviously. You’ll understand some day.
dads be like "go help ur mother" bro go help ur wife
— darwin (@itsnotdarwin) March 30, 2020
See? I told you, and it was true that these are about all dads!
What else does every single dad do or say? Tell me if we missed something!