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I’ve only been a parent for a little over four years, and already I’ve lost track of the things I never expected to have to say in my life.

I can only assume this list continues to grow and grow, because as smart as kids are, common sense is something that comes with brain development, and that can’t be rushed.

At least these 16 parents’ recollections mean I’m not alone – and that always feels pretty nice.

16. It’s best not to ask sometimes.

My daughter in the bathroom at Target, “Dad! I’m shaking the pee off!” Me: “What? Child, girls don’t need to-” Her: “I’m shaking the pee off my who-ha!”

Me, meeting the gaze of another father in the bathroom: “I don’t know….” Other father: “You learn to just let some things be.”

15. The cat is going to weigh in eventually.

We have an almost daily conversation about how its not nice to color the cat.

14. Smells are always fascinating.

“ No, kitty does not want to smell your fart! Get your butthole out of her face”!! And also, “ No sweety, Mommy doesn’t want to smell your poop, but thanks”

13. The machines don’t listen to us, either.

So we were counting down the time on the microwave until her chicken nuggets were done. 3…2…1…END. Not zero.

The worst tantrum today was that she wanted to count down to 0 on the microwave, but there is no 0 just END. “No I can’t make the microwave be 0 sweetie.”

12. Anything, basically.

We are naked potty training and I’ve literally lost count of the number of things my son has tried to smoosh into his foreskin. M&Ms? Check. LEGO fig head? Check. Grape? Check. So my vote is for “You can NOT PUT THAT IN YOUR PEN*S!”

And today I had to stop my kid from eating the Skittle he dropped in the potty whilst actively peeing into it.

It was a yellow one, too.

11. They are so weird.

No, you can’t take the lettuce to bed with you.

He was 4 at the time and the head of lettuce was his new best friend.

10. I doubt that’s a deterrent.

Stop drinking your bath water.

Bath time includes repeated singing of a little song that goes, “Don’t drink that water, it’s got your butt in it!”

9. Well this is morbid.

My 4 yr old was asked to name his favorite food for a promotional video demonstrating how to capture your kids on video in case they were ever abducted. He was obsessed with pizza at the time so we were surprised to hear him say “lettuce” in this little tiny voice.

Side note: video was taped the day after he got his one and only black eye from a playground incident. Not what you want to show the police if need be lol.

8. Why do they smash their own heads?

I say many things daily to my 1.5 year old son. “Don’t lick the dog” “I know I’m a horrible mom because you can’t eat tissues” “Stop pulling on that thing or you’ll rip it off” (we all know what he was grabbing) “Stop hitting the wall with your head and yelling BOOM!”

7. They’re fascinated with their own, so…

‘No mummy doesn’t have a willy and no she did not pull it off’ the joys of being the only girl in the house and attempting to potty train two little boys.

My two are fascinated by my lack of pen*s. Youngest regularly announces to strangers that he has a long pipe like a hose pipe and mummy has a short pipe so it’s like a hole. He’s also asked me in front of said strangers how big my hole is and then estimated its size using both hands.

6. That definitely can’t leave the house.

Not today and it was my nephew. He had a bunch of those little McDonald’s toys that you can clip onto backpacks and stuff.

“Hey bud, how about we find another name for those. Something different than ‘hooker toys'”

5. The dog probably doesn’t mind.

Why it isn’t nice to lick people…or the dog.

Today was “hey buddy, why are you licking the mirror?” I walked in the other day to find the toddler licking the 3 month old.

4. Never ask why. Rookie mistake.

“Why are there cars and trains in the fridge?”
Yesterday it was “don’t lick the dishwasher!”

3. That was close.

“We don’t touch people like that” after my then 2 yr old daughter reached out and caressed the butt of a woman in a tightly packed elevator.

I still remember the look on the woman’s face as she spun around and looked at me, and then looked down to see a smiling 2 yr old in her stroller with hand still outstretched.

The way she caressed the butt cheek was the most horrifying part. It probably happened fast, but I remember it all in slow motion. I mean it was a very attractive butt in tight pants at eye level for a toddler in a stroller, so I get the fascination.

I’ve since trained myself to be very careful not to do anything like with my wife when the kids are around – we save all of that for when they’re asleep. Monkey see, monkey do, especially with toddlers.

2. I’ve done the same thing.

I had to explain to my 2 year old today that we don’t in fact just wash one hand after using the bathroom. “This ones not dirty!” Followed by a plethora of tears of course.

1. He has a kind soul.

“You need to make me more chicken nuggets” Me: well why is that, buddy, are you still hungry? “No, but Sydney (our dog) was so I fed them to her.”

It’s not that he didn’t want to eat… He just thought the dog looked hungry so he fed her his entire bowl without taking a bite. Needless to say our dog was happy.

 

I’m already shaking my head and imagining the next time this happens to me.

What can you not believe you’ve had to say this week? Tell us in the comments!


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