Sure, marriage is a solemn institution and not something to be entered into lightly and all of that, but also, the only sure way to survive it is to be able to laugh at how it is also ridiculous.
Having to live, day in and day out, with someone else’s quirks is always fodder for comedy, a fact these 19 marrieds know all too well.
19. That’s what he signed up for.
Whether he knew it at the time or not.
Welcome to your 30s!
You did your first sets of lunges since kids and now your spouse has to help you off the toilet.
— Your Favorite Gay Mom🌈 (@lezzimomof2) September 10, 2020
18. It pays to be practical, my friends.
Otherwise, your house will smell like poop.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the poop smell*— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) September 11, 2020
17. Knowledge is power, people.
And you’ll never remember those things on your own at your age.
I used to delete all my texts but then I got married and keep everything in case sooomebody wants to say I never told him to do that thing that I definitely told him on *picks up phone* June 24th, 2012 at 5:37PM.
— Mommy Owl (@Mommy__Owl) September 7, 2020
16. I mean if you want to wage war.
No better way to declare it.
I'll put decorative pillows in my husband's recliner, IDGAF.
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) September 12, 2020
15. It’s literally right there.
In plain sight.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 2, 2020
14. Why is this so true, though?
It’s cracking me up.
Marriage is mostly just pretending you were awake when you were really sleeping and pretending you’re sleeping when you’re really awake.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) September 9, 2020
13. Followed by an impending sense of dread.
Followed by relief because he’ll never get around to it.
Marriage is just listening to your husband say, “I can totally do that,” while watching home improvement shows.
— ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) September 12, 2020
12. He’s probably seen and done worse.
Especially if you’ve had kids.
https://twitter.com/iSmashFizzle/status/1303080672890945537?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw%7Ctwcamp%5Etweetembed%7Ctwterm%5E1303080672890945537%7Ctwgr%5Eshare_3&ref_url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.huffpost.com%2Fentry%2Ffunniest-marriage-tweets-sept-1-14_l_5f5fb7eac5b6e27db1315377
11. ‘Tis a sad season of life.
Someday they won’t want to talk to you. Take heart.
Wife and I are at the age where we have a bunch of shows that we can’t watch until the kids go to bed, but by the time they go to bed we’re too tired to watch them.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) September 10, 2020
10. Those are words you never want to say.
Trust me on this one.
If you have to tell your wife “it was a joke,” it’s already too late. Godspeed.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 9, 2020
9. An important job.
Because he has a history of not paying attention.
My wife's job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) September 6, 2020
8. She can’t complain, because you’re actually vacuuming.
It’s a great plan of attack.
*vacuums the rug in front of the TV for 20 minutes while my wife tries to watch her show*
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) September 6, 2020
7. Those are a fire hazard!
Yeah, that argument didn’t work on my husband, either.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) September 10, 2020
6. You gotta shoot your shot.
And she’s gotta block it.
Me: we should have sex more often
Husband: Let’s start doing it every day.
Me: omg Lol what no
— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) September 10, 2020
5. If you want to cause a panic.
This is one surefire way to do it – or, go shopping and turn off YOUR phone.
Sent my husband to the store & then turned off my phone because it’s time to teach independence.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) September 13, 2020
4. I fail to see the difference.
Both are basically horror novels.
Me: I think I'll do some reading.
Wife: What are you reading?
Me: A Series of Unfortunate Events.
Wife [coming into room]: that's a 2020 calendar— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) September 8, 2020
3. Aww, is that sweet or what?
My hormones can’t handle it.
https://twitter.com/papaneedscoffee/status/1305020186982973441?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw%7Ctwcamp%5Etweetembed%7Ctwterm%5E1305020186982973441%7Ctwgr%5Eshare_3&ref_url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.huffpost.com%2Fentry%2Ffunniest-marriage-tweets-sept-1-14_l_5f5fb7eac5b6e27db1315377
2. We just went to buy mums. Hubba.
We did get Mexican food, too, so there’s that.
Marriage: When going to the grocery store for ice cream and a flu shot is considered date night.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) September 12, 2020
1. It’s a different sort of excitement.
Take it or leave it.
Can’t wait for my wife to get home and see how clean the bathtub is! Not sure why people told me my 30s would be boring.
— lucy bexley 🧃 (@bexley_lucy) September 13, 2020
Poke fun at each other and stay married forever.
I’m pretty sure that’s the secret.
If you’ve got a better one, share it with us in the comments!