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Kids have some kind of sixth sense that they’re born with – one that says “no one is watching me right now!” I think it doubles when they’re in a room with other kids, too, allowing them to hatch insane plans with lightning speed.

Except most of the time there really isn’t a plan. Usually, it’s just running. Or grabbing something dangerous, or defacing the nearest surface.

Whatever the horror, these 13 stories should serve as excellent reminders to go and check on your kids.

Right now.

13. It takes a village.

I had this happen with my kids, 18 months and 4 years old. We were in the kiddie area, which was gated up, while my wife was checking out of the hotel that was attached to the water park. I was standing right next to the baby, and kept swiveling my head back and forth between the two kids. I turned back to check out the older kid, and he was gone.

I pick up the baby and start looking, because it turns out that most blonde-haired white kids in swim trunks look very similar. I realize he’s gone about the same time that my wife gets back. We grab an employee, who immediately gets on their walkie-talkie to report a lost toddler. Within seconds we hear a lifeguard doing a short burst of whistles.

My four year old had wandered into the entrance for the lazy river, but another guest, seeing an unattended child with no tube, stopped him and got a lifeguard’s attention. When I asked him what he was thinking, he told me that he’d said that he was going to the lazy river, and I didn’t tell him no.

I never heard him ask, and am still irate at whatever adult had either opened the gate for him or didn’t close it behind them, because he physically couldn’t have done it himself.

12. She probably just got those things, too.

My daughter was 18 months old.

Standing in between my husband and me in the kitchen, arm distance from both of us.

She slipped, fell and broke two front teeth.

11. A four-word horror story.

She found some glitter.

10. Poison Control is your friend.

I had been drinking scotch one evening while doing dishes. So I’m standing at the sink. I hear my 3 year old stumble into the room, pull a chair out from the table and climb up. I’m not thinking anything of this until I hear a small voice say “Juice!” as I turn to watch him dump about 1/2oz of single malt into his mouth. This was immediately followed by a gasp, then he turned bright white, then bright red.

He went to bed early that night.

9. Kid’s going places.

Found my baby boy had climbed to the top of a 4 ft tall dresser after stripping naked and covered his entire body face and hair with diaper cream.

He performed this act in less than three minutes.

8. That awkward moment when…

My sister was 4 when she had her first root beer float. One of the dads in the group left a bottle of beer in the kitchen, which inadvertently got mixed into my sister’s root beer (bottles looked similar). Her immediate response was “I don’t like this”, promptly followed by everyone telling her root beer floats were great and to “keep trying it”.

She quit a third of the way down the tall glass, after which my mom came over to taste it and show her “how great” root beer floats were. Mom screamed “this is beer!” My sister couldn’t walk straight and had to be carried upstairs to bed.

7. Butter will kill ya.

My toddler at the time grabbed a stick of butter out of the fridge and tossed it into the fish tank.

Minutes later all the fish were floating dead in the fish tank.

Last time we owned fish.

6. Choking is so scary.

I glanced at the salt, and toddler daughter grabbed a whole new potato off my plate and shoved it in her mouth.

She then tried to swallow it and choked. Longest 15 seconds on my life getting it out of her.

Learn child first aid people! They are suicide machines as toddlers.

5. That’s one bad moment.

I had taken my four year daughter into a public toilet in France, which was next to a main road. As we left, I let go of her hand for a split second as I looked away to close the door behind us. When I looked back she was running into the main road as she’d seen her Mum on the other side.

From where I stood, my view of the road was obstructed so I couldn’t see if any cars were coming, and she had gone too far for me to catch her. By a complete miracle, she got safely over the road.

It sends shivers down my spine remembering the helpless terror I felt when I saw her in the middle of the road.

4. Some kids wouldn’t have handed it over.

When my daughter was little, probably about 3, she went with me to shop for some tools. I turned away to look at something and heard behind me “Daddy, what’s this?” “Uh, honey, that’s an axe. Please give it to me.”

She did, and all was well, but I’m glad my wife wasn’t there–she would have panicked.

3. Motherhood is wild.

I swore I would never tell this.. At 19, I have a 9 month old baby. I leave her on the bed to go pee. A beautiful spring day, windows open, Cleaning. I come back. She’s gone. Yet I can hear her! I AM FRANTIC, ALONE, AND LOSING IT.

I check under the bed, in between the bed and the wall, everywhere. Until I look up and realize the screen is out. She fell out the Window into a bush outside and was laughing hysterically. NOT ONE SCRATCH ON HER.

She’s 17 now and I haven’t ever shared that story with her or anyone but my therapist until today.

2. Kid knew what he wanted.

So we took the kids (7, 3, 3 and 3) to a water park. One of us would stay in the kiddie area with 2 of the triplets and the other parent would take one of the 3 year olds and the 7 year old on a ride. It was working pretty well.

Note, the kiddie area was mostly contained, but there was no gate or anything. At one of the swaps, we blinked for a second and our adventurous 3 year old was gone. Instant oh fuck panic. Get security there, staff is looking, I’m running around looking.

Anyway, we eventually found him. He had ridden a waterslide with my wife earlier, and decided “That was fun, I’m gonna do it again” The 3 year old had gone back to get in line for the waterslide by himself, and they found him about 2 from the front of the line.

1. Water is a nightmare.

I was the child in question, two years old at the time. We were at the beach, where about two feet into the sea there’s a shelf where it suddenly gets twice as deep. My parents were distracted by my brother, so didn’t notice me wander into the surf. When they next looked up, all the could see was my hat away floating on the water.

Panic set in, and my dad sprinted into the sea. Discovered that I was still wearing the hat, and was somehow floating completely vertical with just the hat showing above the water.

I’ve had a few of these experiences myself. Good thing my dog looks good in blue.

What’s your favorite story of a time your kid did something horrible and wicked fast? Share it with us in the comments!


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