Here’s the thing about parenting tweets: just when you think you’ve seen the best of them, and there will never be more that impress you or make you laugh, someone proves you wrong.
Or in the case of these 15, more than one someone. At least, we think so!
15. And that’s just for the parents.
The rest of you saps can find your own.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) July 30, 2020
14. It is a time-honored tradition.
It shall live long after your kids and grandkids are grown.
No one is as obnoxiously well-behaved as a child whose sibling is getting yelled at.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) July 27, 2020
13. Those two things do not go together.
If you’re without screens, no one is relaxing.
Her: did you have a relaxing vacation?
Me: What part of family camping trip do you not understand?
— Celeste Yvonne (@andwhatamom) July 26, 2020
12. If you want people to meet you where you are…
Everyone should bring earplugs.
My email signature today is "A TEETHING, SCREAMING BABY IS ON MY LAP AND I TRULY DON'T KNOW HOW I'M DOING THIS, Bess Kalb"
— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) July 27, 2020
11. I think they wear name tags.
This is a really good question though.
Important bedtime question from my 6-year-old…
In the underworld, how do you tell which skeleton is which? Do they have skeleton hair?
— Andrew Knott (@aknott21) July 29, 2020
10. It’s technically the same thing.
A mean teacher would still mark it wrong on a test, though.
My oldest just called the Big Dipper the Giant Scooper and I'm never correcting him.
— A Bearer Of Dad News ✊🏾 (@HomeWithPeanut) July 28, 2020
9. He might as well join the fray.
He’s no less informed than Karen from high school drill team.
My son thinks the heart is in the stomach and calls vaginas “berginas” so I think he’s officially ready to start giving medical advice on Facebook
— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) July 25, 2020
8. All necessary school supplies if you ask me.
Or anyone else attempting this feat.
buying desks and supplies to prepare for home schooling my kids while working full time this fall therefore I also bought ice cream and booze
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) July 25, 2020
7. How to be a Queen, 101.
She’s being taught well.
My 4yo asked me to get her a toy from her bedroom but I was busy so I told her she’d have to get it herself and she said, “I don’t have to, I’m sitting”.
So in case anybody’s interested, her webinar on living your best life will be out soon.
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) July 28, 2020
6. You definitely can’t answer those in a minute.
Or even in a week.
Me: Can't chat now my love, I have a meeting.
4yo: OK can I just tell you one quick thing? Does water last forever? And did you know that not all kangaroos carry their babies in their pouches? And what happens to me if you and Daddy die before I'm a grown up?
— Emily Dreyfuss (@EmilyDreyfuss) July 29, 2020
5. That pretty much sums it up.
They’re cute though.
I once sprained my ankle at the park. My daughter asked me to push her on the swing, and I was like “I can’t walk” and she said, “Well, you could crawl!” And that’s everything you need to know about raising children.
— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) July 26, 2020
4. Everyone knows this will happen.
Everyone who has ever been inside an elementary school, anyway.
You gon send your kid to school with the Paw Patrol mask and he gon come home with a Spider Man mask because he made a trade at lunch. Whole school gon be shut down the next day.
— Sprite 🧚🏼 (@sodamom23) July 28, 2020
3. Mothers do not get enough breaks.
Especially not in the current scenarios.
Me: I’m worried I can’t handle another year of homeschooling my kids.
Strangers on the Internet: Personally, I love my kids and want to spend every waking minute with them. Why did you even have kids, you utter failure of a mother???
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) July 26, 2020
2. Decompression takes time.
You can’t rush these things.
Husband took all the kids out so I had the house to myself for the first time in over 4 months and I made good of this time by eating snacks and staring at the wall followed by more snack-eating and wall-staring
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) July 27, 2020
1. Bless her heart.
This made me snort-laugh.
As my husband & I finally joined the kids in the little inflatable pool we put on the deck, my 8 y.o. exclaimed, without a trace of sarcasm, “Oh good, now we can imitate the family having fun on the box!”
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) July 25, 2020
One of my parenting goals is to one day make one of these lists!
What’s the best tweet you ever made about parenting? Share it with us in the comments!