The Dad Joke (TM) might be something that makes you roll your eyes, but there’s no denying there’s an art to it. You want to hit the punchline, to get the groans, but you definitely don’t want to hear a totally silent room when you’re done.
The perfection is in the number of eye rolls you get, and the laughs you earn even when people wish they could bite them back.
And these 18 dads must have spent years honing their crafts because these jokes are pitch-perfect.
18. So weird how that happens!
I once read a psychology book by that Rorschach guy. What a perv! It was nothing but pictures of my father’s penis from cover to cover.
17. A Frenchman in sandals.
What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Phillipe Floppe.
16. I legit laughed at this one.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of the front of his pants.
The bartender looks at him and asks, “Hey, you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of the front of your pants?”
Pirate looks at him and says, “Argh it’s driving me nuts”
15. Look up at the ceiling.
Look up at the ceiling That’s a pretty good ceiling. It’s not the best, but it’s up there.
14. Idk why all of these pirate jokes are so funny but they are.
What did the octogenarian pirate say at his birthday party?
13. On the other side.
Guy yells to a stranger across the river, “I need to get to the other side”. Stranger yells back… “You are on the other side”.
12. This needs to be a more popular joke.
When musicians perform on stage, the sound bounces around the room off the walls.
When a pigeon performs on stage, the sound does not bounce. This is because a coo sticks.
11. I can see why.
my favourite time on the clock is 6:30. Hands down.
SO under appreciated by my husband, family, and friends.
10. A classic, to be sure.
These three dudes crash on an abandoned island turns out the thing is infested with cannibals, not to worry though as the cannibals have a tradition and say that they’ll let them live if the guys accomplish two tasks for them.
The guys don’t have much choice in the matter so they agree, the first task is to go into the woods and come back with ten of any kind of fruit. One dude makes it back before the others with ten apples, he is then told that in order to live he has to cram all ten apples up his ass without making a single sound.
He lasts till the third and screams, the cannibals kill and eat him. A few minutes later the second guy comes out of the woods with ten cherries, he does pretty well but when he makes it to nine he giggles and the cannibals kill and eat him.
Later the two dead guys meet back up in the afterlife and apple guy asks, “what happened man? You were so close to freedom!”
“I know, but I saw Jack coming out of the woods carrying pineapples.”
9. I’m guessing that’s why he keeps telling it.
Two monkeys are taking a bath and one monkey says “ooh-ooh aah-aah-aah” and the other replies, “just add a little cold water” —ha ha ha. My wife HATES this joke.
8. You’ve gotta do the accent, though.
Why does an Irish chef only add 239 beans to his soup?
[In a thick Irish brogue] Because one more would be too farty!
I just get stares, but when I first heard it I laughed so hard I spit out my soup.
7. Are you smart enough to get it?
Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “Does everyone want a beer?”
The first logician says, “I don’t know.”
The second logician says, “I don’t know.”
The third logician says, “Yes!”
6. This one honestly never gets old.
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
My absolute favorite.
5. That always makes it okay.
Everytime they bleep out someone’s last name on tv for anonymity I go “omg I can’t believe his name is [insert first name here – Insert any swear word here]” No one else finds it the least bit funny, but I laugh every single time so that’s okay
4. If you’re from Boston.
Back before COVID-19 shut everything down, a British university professor attends an academic conference in Boston. He has a week of packed schedules, with lectures during the day and networking events at night.
On the Friday night before he flies back to London the next day, he suddenly finds himself with spare time while all his academic colleagues either spend time with their families or have travel plans.
Deciding that he hasn’t seen much of Boston, he decides he wants to experience some of the local culture. He hails a cab and jumps in. “Where to, buddy?” asks the driver, in a thick Bostonian accent.
“Well,” says the Englishman, “Is there somewhere nearby where I could have scrod?”
“Ya know,” replies the cab driver, “I’ve driven this taxi for twenty years and I’ve been asked that question a thousand times. But never before in the pluperfect subjunctive.”
3. I mean. Maybe the are.
Why do you never see pigs hiding in trees?
Because they’re pretty good at it.
2. Poop + Dad Joke = Win.
What did Spock find in the toilet?
The Captain’s Log.
1. And then you just wait for it.
What do you get when you combine a rhetorical question and a joke?
My own father could have made this list if he was on the internet. Alas.
What’s your favorite dad joke? Are you a guy just waiting for the moment to come upon you, and the dad jokes to flow?
Let us know in the comments!